The best Quotes by Randall Crawford

The only thing doing any real work around here is Dusty's insulin pump.

Randall: "Alright Kevin, pull your pants down!"
Kevin: "Dad, why?"
Randall: "We're gonna rub our dicks together and make a fire."
Kevin: "Dad, you rub sticks together!"
Randall: "Oh. Well, I guess I was molested as a child then."

Fitz: "Where's the bomb-defusing robot?"
Randall: "Too expensive. We just go under a bridge, deputize a hobo, and send him in there."

Randall: "I thought you said he was a doctor?"
Dinkle: "Dentists are doctors!"
Randall: "Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser."

Kevin: "I failed you, dad. I should hand in my badge - and my crossing guard uniform."
Randall: "Kevin. Why the hell would I want those!?"

Randall: "Do you know how much damage you did to that video store?"
Kevin: "Nine dollars?"
Randall: "Eleven."

I'll never forget my first arrest. He was a litterbug. This photo captures the exact moment when 50,000 volts turned his spine into dust. He doesn't litter anymore because he can't hold things.

Dusty: "Well, hey and good day to you, Stanley."
Stanley: "You can see me even though I'm a ghost? Wait, are you a medium?"
Dusty: "No, I'm a 32 XXXXXXXL, but ain't you the sweetest?"

You are so clever. I'm going to give you one slice of expired bologna for 10 percent of your company.

It's just my mama's recipe and I used some unbleached flour hidden in the pantry.

You know whenever a brick crashes through the window, it reminds me of my mama.

Our next item up for bid is a delicious and nutritious product from the commissary called Cup O' Noodles.

Peralta: "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast."
Holt: "Are those gummybears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
Peralta: "Breakfast-Burrito... but, yeah."
Holt: "I pity your dentist."
Peralta: "Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!"

You don't have to brush all your teeth - just the ones you intend on keeping.

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.