The best Quotes by Rand Ridley

Once the withdrawal finally wore off, I realized sobriety agrees with me. So I took a shower, combed the cigarette ash out of my pubes and - boom - sober Rand is back.

Daddy needs a new liver, honey. Can you grab one from the organ lab? It's urgent. Also, some booze. Just something to make the new live feel at home.

Reagan: "You were fired for getting drunk and trying to blow up the sun."
Rand: "I was gonna cure skin cancer!"

Reagan: "Has retirement made you go completely insane?"
Rand: "No, but the 5G radio waves in the air have."

The world is controlled by shadowy elites and shape-shifting lizard people. Have you ever folded a one-dollar-bill? Look, you can make it say "boobs". What does that mean? Am I the only one who cares that the President is a robot?