The best Quotes by Rand Ridley

Once the withdrawal finally wore off, I realized sobriety agrees with me. So I took a shower, combed the cigarette ash out of my pubes and - boom - sober Rand is back.

Daddy needs a new liver, honey. Can you grab one from the organ lab? It's urgent. Also, some booze. Just something to make the new live feel at home.

Reagan: "You were fired for getting drunk and trying to blow up the sun."
Rand: "I was gonna cure skin cancer!"

Reagan: "Has retirement made you go completely insane?"
Rand: "No, but the 5G radio waves in the air have."

The world is controlled by shadowy elites and shape-shifting lizard people. Have you ever folded a one-dollar-bill? Look, you can make it say "boobs". What does that mean? Am I the only one who cares that the President is a robot?

I am not going back to my last job doing PR for the Kims. Kardashian and Jong-un. One of them has killed hundreds, and it's not the one you think.

Can you believe they'd even think of firing me? I've invented almost as many cures as diseases!

We had to make cutbacks. I already eliminated the department that puts backwards messages on vinyl records.

What's the point of unchecked power if we don't abuse it?

It's my second week and my third can of Axe body spray.

I actually need a mediocre white man to act as a human shield and social lubricant while I accomplish my real goals.

I invented selfies to trick the country into surveilling themselves.

Brett Hand: "Question. Is this place evil?"
Reagan: "Uh, is Facebook evil? Is Starbucks evil?"

This is my lab, where everything is peaceful, efficient, and the thermostat is controlled entirely by me. Someday, I hope to make the whole world like this. Efficient that is, not controlled entirely by me. That would be totally egomaniacal. I would never do that.

I skipped grades and showers to prove that despite my dad's legacy I can run the shit out of this office.

Scheimpough: "I don't need to look at your eye-bags to know you've been working hard."
Reagan: "Thank you, sir. And I am prepared for them to get deeper."

You are so funny I could just assassinate you. No, really I could do it. My finger's hovering over the button.

Don't listen to my father, kids. He gets his news from Facebook and Ambien.

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

I love you more than my own skin.