The best Quotes and Sayings (Page 6)

Remember that no matter what, you're 100% valid to be comfortable with who you share your love and affection with.

Ham-ilton? What's that about? A pig?

Sapnap's camera is as good as his chances of finding someone that will be a better match for him than me.

I used to think dolphins were just girl sharks.

I used to think tigers were girl lions.

The real life version of texture packs is putting on glasses but you guys dont wanna hear that.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

We believe the metaverse will be the successor to the mobile internet, we'll be able to feel present - like we're right there with people no matter how far apart we actually are.

No matter what happens, music will always play an important role in my life. Even when I don't earn money off of it.

You have to feel it to make it work. Stop looking for success. Success will come when the music and the connection between music and the people is right.

There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey.

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump
May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!

Black Friday: The day where people spend money they don't have for things they don't need.

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting, like say, Turkeypocalypse.

Black Friday! Save 100% on everything - by not buying anything.

Starbucks is planning to sell beer and wine. Seems like selling $10 coffee to sober customers gets harder every day.

Let's not be superstitious - it brings bad luck.

Friday the 13th.
Today, everyone thinks that their stupidity is just bad luck.

If you think Friday the 13th is scary, try a day without coffee. That's scary!

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whichever.

The only thing that's unlucky about Friday the 13th is that on the 16th, it's Monday again.

"Oh my God, today's Friday the 13th. Do you know what that means?"
"It's the weekend tomorrow?"
"Exactly!"

I don't care that it's Friday the 13th today - at least it's finally Friday!

I don't care that it's Friday the 13th. I'm unlucky on every day anyway.

I only drink with people I like. When meeting people I don't like, I drink right before.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

There's something that's sexy about a guy who has the strength to kill somebody, but is also vulnerable enough to be in love.

But I love Halloween, and I love that feeling: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Usually, I'm an over-thinker.

I'm not very good at dating.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.