The best Quotes by Patton Oswalt

The best Quotes by Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt (born January 27, 1969) is an American stand-up comedian and actor. His acting roles include Spence Olchin in the sitcom The King of Queens (1998–2007) and narrating the sitcom The Goldbergs (2013–2023) as adult Adam F. Goldberg. He appeared in Parks and Recreation, Community, Two and a Half Men, Drunk History, Reno 911!, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Archer, Veep, Justified, Kim Possible, Modern Family, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

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Crow T. Robot: "It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!"
Mike Nelson: "Notice how big Japan is?"
That's one small step for special effects, one giant leap for our imaginations!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
It's not stock footage, it's more like stock mileage at this point.
It's economical not to have a storyline, because then you can just film people saying things.
Oh, nap time! You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Shego: "You know, for someone who is supposedly a mad genius I'm not seeing much of the genius."
Dr. Drakken: "Keep it up Shego, and you'll see plenty of the mad."
Mother, boy bands are cute. Brown Bear backpacks are cute. Ron as a cheerleader - not cute.
Sidekicks need to know their place… right?
Jim Possible: "You're a rocket scientist! Can't you do something?"
Dr. Possible: "Well, I could put it in geo-synchronous orbit, but I'm not sure how that would help."
Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.
Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 10 Episode 2
Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.
Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 20
Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."
Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 24
The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.
Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 18
Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."
Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 16
Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."
Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 13
You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.
Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1
Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"
Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1
No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.
Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 16
Spence: "A month is not that long not to have had sex."
Doug: "Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy..."
Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 12
The good news is, Luke has his bike.
More good news, I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike.
Phil Dunphy in Modern Family - Season 1 Episode 3
Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her.
Phil Dunphy in Modern Family - Season 5 Episode 1
Jay: "I got you a little gift to celebrate. I know it’s not much...-"
Gloria: "It’s practically nothing!"
Gloria Pritchett in Modern Family - Season 6 Episode 22
Mitchell: "We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news."
Jay: "Oh God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving."
Jay Pritchett in Modern Family - Season 1 Episode 1
Phil: "What a beautiful dress."
Gloria: "Thank you, Phil."
Phil: "Oh, okay."
Claire: "Phil! She said Phil, not feel!"
Claire Dunphy in Modern Family - Season 1 Episode 1
Jacob Peralta is my best detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.
Terry Jeffords in Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Season 1 Episode 1
Peralta: "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast."
Holt: "Are those gummybears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
Peralta: "Breakfast-Burrito... but, yeah."
Holt: "I pity your dentist."
Peralta: "Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!"
Jacob Peralta in Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Season 1 Episode 15
Raymond: "Here are two pictures. One is your locker, the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?"
Jacob: "That one's the dump?"
Raymond: "They're both your locker!"
Guy: "I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell? 'Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed and bolted."
Jacob: "Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?"
Jacob Peralta in Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Season 1 Episode 1
Raymond: "Everyone! I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt."
Amy: "Speech!"
Raymond: "That was my speech."
Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?
Ann Perkins in Parks and Recreation - Season 4 Episode 7
One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn't know what to do. I just moved.
Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation - Season 5 Episode 19
If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation - Season 3 Episode 2
What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.
For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.
It's not about the absence of fear. It's overcoming it.
If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.
My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me.
My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their book shelf" - so I make sure I read.
We think too much and feel too little.
If one does not attach himself to people and desires, never shall his heart be broken. But then, does he ever truly live?
One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.
I'm much more proud of being a father than being an actor.
I dream of a day where I walk down the street and hear people talk about Morality, Sustainibility and Philoshophy instead of the Kardashians.

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Mystery Science Theater 3000Kim PossibleTwo and a half MenKing of QueensModern FamilyBrooklyn Nine-NineParks and RecreationThe best Quotes by ActorsActorsLouis de FunèsEmma Watson