The best Quotes from Paradise PD

I'll never forget my first arrest. He was a litterbug. This photo captures the exact moment when 50,000 volts turned his spine into dust. He doesn't litter anymore because he can't hold things.

The only thing doing any real work around here is Dusty's insulin pump.

Randall: "Alright Kevin, pull your pants down!"
Kevin: "Dad, why?"
Randall: "We're gonna rub our dicks together and make a fire."
Kevin: "Dad, you rub sticks together!"
Randall: "Oh. Well, I guess I was molested as a child then."

Fitz: "Where's the bomb-defusing robot?"
Randall: "Too expensive. We just go under a bridge, deputize a hobo, and send him in there."

Randall: "I thought you said he was a doctor?"
Dinkle: "Dentists are doctors!"
Randall: "Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser."

Dusty: "Well, hey and good day to you, Stanley."
Stanley: "You can see me even though I'm a ghost? Wait, are you a medium?"
Dusty: "No, I'm a 32 XXXXXXXL, but ain't you the sweetest?"

You are so clever. I'm going to give you one slice of expired bologna for 10 percent of your company.

Kevin: "I failed you, dad. I should hand in my badge - and my crossing guard uniform."
Randall: "Kevin. Why the hell would I want those!?"

Randall: "Do you know how much damage you did to that video store?"
Kevin: "Nine dollars?"
Randall: "Eleven."

It's just my mama's recipe and I used some unbleached flour hidden in the pantry.

You know whenever a brick crashes through the window, it reminds me of my mama.

Our next item up for bid is a delicious and nutritious product from the commissary called Cup O' Noodles.

Peralta: "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast."
Holt: "Are those gummybears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
Peralta: "Breakfast-Burrito... but, yeah."
Holt: "I pity your dentist."
Peralta: "Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!"

Charlie Brown: "We only live once, Snoopy."
Snoopy: "Wrong! We only die once. We live every day!"

Clever of me to use my spine to break my fall like that.

If I wanted the government in my house, I'd buy Alexa.

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

What did you do, comb your hair with an eggbeater?

Averell: "I love exotic food! What do you call this delicious crust around the frijoles?"
Espuelas: "It's called a terracotta bowl, amigo."

Quagmire: "You got to help me. I'm looking for a little boy with red overalls and a yellow shirt."
French Man: "You are looking to buy or to rent?"
Quagmire: "What? No! God! How is Paris considered a classy city?"
French Man: "The buildings are beautiful, the people are trash."

In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.

Patrick: "Is mayonnaise an instrument?"
Squidward Tentacles: "No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. Yes, Patr... No, horseradish is not an instrument either!"

Whoa, this is big. I really need some time to drink about this.

I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

Pinky, you give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "counter-intelligence". You have the I.Q. of plaster.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!