The best Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues, and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.'

They say money can't buy happiness. But it can book your flight to Miami - which is kinda the same.

You can leave Miami, but it will never leave you.

Miami is bringing in more guns, drugs and hot cars than any other city on the East Coast.

I put a lot into it, and when I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere, either Miami or Orlando, I don't know yet.

Miami is a melting pot in which none of the stones melt. They rattle around.

What's so beautiful about Miami is that we support each other. We're just one big family, not just the entertainers, just everyone in general.

But this is Miami, you can't come to Miami and not show any skin. You gotta show something. If you're all covered up in this heat, you're gonna make me pass out out just to look at you. It's sweaty in Miami-but the diamonds will keep me cool.

My allies are the United States and Israel and, what's more, I'll move the embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

I like Tel Aviv; I live in Tel Aviv, but our right of return is Jerusalem. We did not return after 2,000 years for Tel Aviv but for Jerusalem.

I've heard it's a special place, that Tel Aviv is exciting and that the atmosphere is excellent.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

Thor: "Do you see yourself above them?"
Loki: "Oh yes."
Thor: "Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother."

We're a government that believes in everybody having the illusion of free will.

You think the people of this country exist to provide you with position. I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom.

Bullets change governments far surer than votes.

A government is for the benefit of all the people.

Our most dangerous tendency is to expect too much of government, and at the same time do for it too little.

The internet has been a boon and a curse for teenagers.

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Teenagers. They're hormon-soaked brains aren't wired to think about anyone other than themselves.

They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid, so you should blend right in.

It's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old to unplug a telephone.

Ah, teenagers! I feel for you, son. But, on the other hand - payback's a b*tch!

Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.

I basically think everybody would be better off if people weren't able to exert so much influence on politicians with money.

When you don't take a stand against corruption you tacitly support it.

There is more selfishness and less principle among members of Congress than I had any conception of, before I became President of the U.S.

Corruption is just another form of tyranny.

Chicago is not the most corrupt American city. It's the most theatrically corrupt.

Brazil has a lot of issues that are similar to a lot of countries in Latin America, but the dominant issue Brazil is dealing with is poverty and political corruption.

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent... leave that to me.

Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.

It's not the drugs that make a drug addict, it's the need to escape reality.

I take quaaludes ten to fifteen times a day for my "back pain", adderall tostay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again and morphine well... 'cause its awesome.

I don't like the drugs, doc. The drugs like me.

Hold me, I can't breathe
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna OD
Cup full of lean, pure codeine
Ten lines deep, now I can't see

That's all drugs and alcohol do, they cut off your emotions in the end.

If you see German soldiers, don't panic. They are here to help.