I am not crazy. I am unique.“"What's love to you?"
Flaca: "It's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.' There's mood lighting all over, and there's like five dudes massaging you."
Maritza: "And you have a pizza!"
Flaca: "She's right. You also have a pizza."(Love is) pain, horrible pain, that you want again and again.You're a beautiful, sweet girl. Fuck this guy!What do I think love is? It's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight, but floaty at the same time, you know? And your cheeks hurt from smiling. And you smile so much, that people think something's wrong with you.
...And also fucking. Twenty-four seven, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking.All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb it's power.You gotta move...The fuck...On!If I hadn't buried my feelings so deep I would totally be tearing up right now.Pain is always there cause life is freaking painful, okay?I would very much like to return your witty banter, but I am too exhausted to be clever.I hate it when you talk sometimes. No... all the time.Rule Number One: Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl.You need to figure out what the fuck you want.I'm not surviving, I'm just existing.I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.Well, I think that... when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away, you know?It's like...It's like I'm a fucked-up-shit magnet.Stop crying. Remember? Crying makes you ugly and weak.If you want my advice? Get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute.Jesus was a f-g! He said: 'This is my body. Eat me.'Big Boo - Season 31
I hate kids. They don't drink, they haven't travelled...There's always hope tomorrow'll be taco night.Larry Bloom: "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?"
Piper Chapman: "You mean..."
Larry Bloom: "It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion."Larry Bloom: "Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup."
Piper Chapman: "Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina. And that's why we're in this situation."The only difference between us is, when I made bad decisions in life, I didn't get caught.Joe Caputo: "You ever notice how some dog breeds, they sound kind of dirty? Like, shih tzu, cocker, Jack-something."
Susan Fischer: "Poodle."
Joe Caputo: "That is good, I didn't think of that one."Or I look single, 34 and single, which must mean there's something wrong with me. Like, you keep large reptiles in tanks, or I have a very special relationship with my mother.Piper: "Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing."
Lorna: "Oh, sure they do. They all want to come to America."
Nicky: "Jesus, your entire world view is based on 'West Side Story', isn't it?"She's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 'cause her fiance's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway.Sam Healy: "It's popular fiction. It's like global warming or female ejaculation."
Piper: "No! No. No, it's not. This is real."
Sam Healy: "How is it real? Wait, which?"
Piper: "The chicken. And the... the chicken."What the hell is the matter with you? You tryin' out for the retard Olympics?Red: "Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen."
Piper: "Why, because all black people love chicken?"
Red: "Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken."Pornstache: "You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right?"
Pennsatucky: "Know what?"
Pornstache: "Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you survive infancy?"
Pennsatucky: "My auntie helped my momma..."
Pornstache: "That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is?"Pennsatucky: "It weren't my fault. I was just doing as the Spirit commanded."
Pussey: "Fuck are you? Joan of Arc?"
Pennsatucky: "No, I'm from Waynesboro, my name is Tiffany..."Lorna Morello: "I need to start tightening up. You're making me feel like a cave."
Nicky Nichols: "Baby, it's a cunt, it stretches!"
Lorna Morello: "Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb."I'm missing half my zucchini. These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food, not dildos.Well, I'm just gonna go jerk off then. For the 500th time today.Guard: "Inmate, step away from the machine."
Larry: "He just called you 'inmate'."
Guard: "You too, sir."
Larry: "Sorry."Honey, don't you think the little rocks would hurt your nose, if you're trying to snort crack? I think you mean coke.Look, I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. It's my Lance Armstrong rock.Oh my God, Larry, by the time I get out, there will've been like three new generations of iPhones!Larry: "Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?"
Piper: "Up your ass."
Larry: "There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there."Come on, we gotta rally. Make some memories.Larry: "She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig roasting box."
Pete: "At least you get something. I'm not getting laid for a year too. But what do I get?"
Larry: "A baby?"
Pete: "You can't eat it." 
