The best Quotes by Oliver Welke

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

heute-show - April 2020

Corona-Jokes 70s

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Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!

Donald Trump - Juni 2025

Elon Musk

If you're not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for? If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Donald Trump - September 2016

The Epstein Files

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Tim Walz

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

Donald Trump - August 2024

I have decided that the person best suited to assume the position of Vice President of the United States is Senator J.D. Vance of the Great State of Ohio

Donald Trump - July 2024

J. D. Vance

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

Corona-Jokes

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

Corona-Jokes

I dare saying that in regard of protecting us from Corona, a mask that may be uncomfortable is way more effective than a tin foil hat.

Frank-Walter Steinmeier (as President of Germany) - May 2020

Coronavirus Corona-Jokes Conspiracy Theories

I imagined the Apocalypse with zombies and pumpguns, not with washing hands and staying at home.

Corona-Jokes Hands

Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms and it's Studio 54.

June Ballard in Young Sheldon - Season 5 Episode 10

70s

Jax: "People actually wore this crap?"
Stein: "People smoked a lot of pot in the '70s. It clearly had a deleterious effect on the fashion of the era."

Martin Stein in Legends of Tomorrow - Season 1 Episode 2

70s

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Women

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

Slavery Dubai

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Kevin Hart

Past

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Mike Myers

Fathers

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

Mike Myers

Canada Toronto

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Bob Hope

Kissing

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope

Age

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

The best Quotes by Oliver Welke

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