The best Quotes by Oliver Welke

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

I'm not going to say it right now. So, everybody, I promise you, in the very next - very, very, very short period of time, you're going to be so happy.

If you want to stop the destruction of our country and save the American dream, then this Tuesday you must vote Republican in a giant way.

You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

I recommend taking the vaccines. I happen to take the vaccine - if it doesn't work you'll be the first to know.

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

I dare saying that in regard of protecting us from Corona, a mask that may be uncomfortable is way more effective than a tin foil hat.

I imagined the Apocalypse with zombies and pumpguns, not with washing hands and staying at home.

Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms and it's Studio 54.

Jax: "People actually wore this crap?"
Stein: "People smoked a lot of pot in the '70s. It clearly had a deleterious effect on the fashion of the era."

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"