Quotes by Norman Newlander

Being human and being hurt are the same damn thing.

Secretary: "I am so delighted that you're back."
Norman: "Give it time. The feeling will pass."

Sandy: "Listen, I finally got the urologist on the other line."
Norman: "Wexler? Tell him I hope he gets his index finger caught in a wood chipper!"

Rabbi: "When you sit shivah for a loved one, all the mirrors in the house are supposed to be covered."
Norman: "I know. I'm just not that kind of Jew."
Rabbi: "Really? And what kind of Jew are you?"
Norman: "I'm, I'm the atheist kind."

The secret to a happy relationship is that the woman must always feel like she comes first.

Receptionist: "Horses are very spiritual animals, and they help our patients in their path to recovery."
Norman: "Ah. A path filled with horse shit."

I had a whale of a nap, so I'm good until 10.

Sandy: "We'll set up a payment plan, say, a thousand dollars a month."
Norman: "Math isn't really your strong suit, is it?"
Sandy: "Why?"
Norman: "Why? That's 25 years. You know how old I'll be when you finish paying me off? Dead!"
Sandy: "Okay. How about if I push it up to eleven hundred a month?"
Norman: "Still dead."

I urinate in Morse code - dots and dashes.

You know what it's like to be human? Is that something you wanna know? Fine, I'll tell you. It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell. And all the exploring in the world doesn't make that hurt go away. Because being human and being hurt are the same damn thing!