The best Quotes by Norman Newlander

Being human and being hurt are the same damn thing.

Secretary: "I am so delighted that you're back."
Norman: "Give it time. The feeling will pass."

Sandy: "Listen, I finally got the urologist on the other line."
Norman: "Wexler? Tell him I hope he gets his index finger caught in a wood chipper!"

Rabbi: "When you sit shivah for a loved one, all the mirrors in the house are supposed to be covered."
Norman: "I know. I'm just not that kind of Jew."
Rabbi: "Really? And what kind of Jew are you?"
Norman: "I'm, I'm the atheist kind."

The secret to a happy relationship is that the woman must always feel like she comes first.

Receptionist: "Horses are very spiritual animals, and they help our patients in their path to recovery."
Norman: "Ah. A path filled with horse shit."

I had a whale of a nap, so I'm good until 10.

Sandy: "We'll set up a payment plan, say, a thousand dollars a month."
Norman: "Math isn't really your strong suit, is it?"
Sandy: "Why?"
Norman: "Why? That's 25 years. You know how old I'll be when you finish paying me off? Dead!"
Sandy: "Okay. How about if I push it up to eleven hundred a month?"
Norman: "Still dead."

I urinate in Morse code - dots and dashes.

You know what it's like to be human? Is that something you wanna know? Fine, I'll tell you. It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell. And all the exploring in the world doesn't make that hurt go away. Because being human and being hurt are the same damn thing!

Babysitter p*rn, stepmom p*rn... what happened to just f*cking the pizza guy?

Dr. Wexler: "Oh, that's a big, old prostate."
Sandy Kominsky: "Any chance that my ass is just shrinking?"

Sandy: "Did you know he was at Woodstock?"
Norman: "Oh yeah, in a band?"
Sandy: "No, in the mud."

Roz: "Do I need to explain to you what salt does to your body?"
Sandy: "Yeah, why don't you?"
Roz: "All right. It causes the body to hold on to more water, which raises the blood pressure, which puts more strain on the kidneys, the heart, arteries, and the brain. And, for a man of your age, is the kiss of death."
Sandy: "That's pretty scary."
Roz: "Yes, it is."
Sandy: "Now, would you please pass me the salt?"

Norman: "Humiliation doesn't bother you, does it?"
Sandy: "I'm an actor."

Dating advice? Last time you went on a date, Richard Nixon was in office and he was doing well.

Norman: "I've never been to an Indian casino before."
Sandy: "They're pretty much like a Vegas casino, except they're not overly fond of 'reservations'."

This is what's gonna happen. We're gonna go back in there. We're gonna greet the guests, eat pumpkin ravioli, make a toast. You will dance with your daughter. I will dance with the Pez dispenser, and with any luck, I'll be drunk enough to vomit all over his mother.

So what is acting? I mean, when an actor acts, what is he or she... or they actually doing? Well, on one level, the answer is simple. They're making believe. They are pretending. But on a on a much deeper level, we need to ask ourselves what is really happening?

Monsieur, when a finger is pointing up to the sky, only a fool looks at the finger.

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.

I call horses "divine mirrors" - they reflect back the emotions you put in. If you put in love and respect and kindness and curiosity, the horse will return that.

Horses are like people - they have different personalities. They can be nice, friendly and hard-working, or awkward, difficult and lazy. If horses were people, some would be on the dole, and others would be entrepreneurs.