The best Quotes by Mort Sahl

The best Quotes by Mort Sahl

Morton Lyon Sahl (May 11, 1927 – October 26, 2021) was a Canadian-born American comedian, actor, and social satirist, considered the first modern comedian.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

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California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - October 2022

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

Lalo Salamanca in Better Call Saul - Season 6 Episode 5

California New Mexico

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

Lex Luthor in Superman

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Gloria Swanson

1

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

Linus Torvalds

California Helsinki

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

Joan Didion

Things are tough all over, cupcake. An' it rains on the just an' the unjust alike... except in California.

Silk Spectre in Watchmen -

1

Justice California

I read the Life magazine articles about free love and free dope in California. At age 20 I drove to Los Angeles.

Los Angeles California

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 11 Episode 11

2

If there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America. They don’t care for human beings.

Nelson Mandela

3

This is America. Anyone can eat what they want, as long as they eat too much.

Homer Simpson in The Simpsons - Season 24 Episode 5

3

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Robert Anton Wilson

Change Conservative

People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they're exactly like the old ones.

Charles Kettering

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

2

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

1

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Gossip & Rumors

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

Donald Trump Corona-Jokes

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - April 2020

Corona-Jokes 70s

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

1

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

1

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

2

Germany Fairytales

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

1

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

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