The best Quotes from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "ping!". This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to - that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

Hospital Administrator in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Obstetrician 1: "Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV."
Obstetrician 2: "And get the machine that goes 'ping!'."
Obstetrician 1: "And get the most expensive machine - in case the Administrator comes."

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Now, here's the meaning of life. Well, it's nothing very special: Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - The End of the Film

Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part VII: Death

Maître-D': "Good afternoon, sir. And how are we today?"
Mr Creosote: "Better."
Maître-D': "Better?"
Mr Creosote: "Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up."

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part VI: The Autumn Years

So, remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part V: Live Organ Transplants

I killed fifteen of those buggers. Now, at home they'd hang me - here they'll give me a f*cking medal, sir!

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part III: Fighting Each Other

Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British Army.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part III: Fighting Each Other

England & Great Britain

But despite the efforts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children continue to multiply everywhere.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon spill theirs just anywhere
But God loves those who treat their s*men with more care

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part II: Growth and Learning

The universe itself keeps expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whizz,
As fast as it can go,
At the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute,
And that's the fastest speed there is,
So, remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part V: Live Organ Transplants

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Violet: "I'm so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I'm with her, I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."
Matthew: "But isn't she American?"
Violet: "Exactly."

Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey

England & Great Britain

The British electors will not vote for a man who does not wear a hat.

William Beaverbrook

England & Great Britain Hats

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Brexit II

France England & Great Britain Switzerland

You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Death

Brian: "You're all individuals!"
People: "Yes, we're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
People: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man: "I'm not."

Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Character

Centurion: "Crucifixion lasts hours, it's a slow, horrible death."
Matthias: "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air."

Matthias in Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Frenchman: "You empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Sir Galahad: "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?"
Frenchman: "No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Who's that then?"
"I dunno. Must be a king."
"Why?"
"He hasn't got shit all over him."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Kings Monarchy

We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f-ing close to water.

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Colonel: "Watkins, why did you join the army?"
Watkins: "For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'."
Colonel: "Watkins, are you a pacifist?"
Watkins: "No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

Monty Python's Flying Circus

I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it!

Monty Python's Flying Circus

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

John Cleese

Barbecue Meat

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

John Cleese

Capitalism Business

I think that money spoils most things, once it becomes the primary motivating force.

John Cleese

Money

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words "Monty Python" to me. It's not bad.

Eric Idle

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

Eric Idle

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

Eric Idle

The human race should just slow down and think about what it is doing.

Michael Palin

Humanity

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

Michael Palin

Borders

The use of the word "just" by an Australian means that whatever it is you have to do, it will not be easy, as in "Just pull that sword out of the stone" or "Just split that atom."

Michael Palin - Full Circle with Michael Palin (1997)

Australia

I loved every minute of Python and owe so much to them.

Carol Cleveland - June 2014

We're all in our 70s now and even doing 10 shows, with lots of costume changes, is going to be exhausting. And the guys have far more to do than me, obviously. But I have a feeling it might not be the last Python project ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they did another film.

Carol Cleveland - June 2014

They all welcomed me with open arms and immediately put my fears to rest. John Cleese was rather flirty; Michael Palin seemed rather shy; Terry Jones was very jolly; Eric Idle was a tiny bit aloof; Graham Chapman was very polite and Terry Gilliam was very loud and a bit manic.

Carol Cleveland

John Cleese Eric Idle Michael Palin Terry Jones Terry Gilliam Graham Chapman

What really alarms me about President Bush's "War on Terrorism" is the grammar. How do you wage war on an abstract noun? How is "Terrorism" going to surrender? It's well known, in philological circles, that it's very hard for abstract nouns to surrender.

Terry Jones

Terrorism

We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. Not today, not ever.

Terry Jones

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.

Terry Jones

History

I've given up asking questions. l merely float on a tsunami of acceptance of anything life throws at me... and marvel stupidly.

Terry Gilliam

Foolishness

Television and the media are everywhere and they are taking over so powerfully. They don't shut up for a second. So you are unable to think.

Terry Gilliam - Terry Gilliam's flying circus (2006)

Media Television

I don't do drugs. I've got enough bizarre chemicals floating around in my head. I'm just naturally like this.

Terry Gilliam - Mai 1998

There are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

Graham Chapman

Reason & Sanity Craziness & Weirdness

We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

Graham Chapman

I hope I will have achieved something lasting.

Graham Chapman

Your cells age at half the rate of a normal human. When you're 40, you'll still have the leucocytes of a teenager.

Beast / Hank McCoy in X-Men - Erste Entscheidung

I will escape for every innocent woman whose life was stolen.

Damsel

The best Quotes from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

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