The best Monty Python Quotes

Monty Python’s Life of Brian

You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Frenchman: "You empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Sir Galahad: "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?"
Frenchman: "No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Show 12 Quotes

Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "ping!". This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to - that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

Hospital Administrator in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

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We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f-ing close to water.

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Show 10 Quotes

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Monty Python's Flying Circus

John Cleese

Show 11 Quotes

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

John Cleese

Eric Idle

Show 5 Quotes

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words "Monty Python" to me. It's not bad.

Eric Idle

Michael Palin

Show 11 Quotes

The human race should just slow down and think about what it is doing.

Michael Palin

Carol Cleveland

Show 5 Quotes

I loved every minute of Python and owe so much to them.

Carol Cleveland - June 2014

Terry Jones

Show 7 Quotes

What really alarms me about President Bush's "War on Terrorism" is the grammar. How do you wage war on an abstract noun? How is "Terrorism" going to surrender? It's well known, in philological circles, that it's very hard for abstract nouns to surrender.

Terry Jones

Terry Gilliam

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I've given up asking questions. l merely float on a tsunami of acceptance of anything life throws at me... and marvel stupidly.

Terry Gilliam

Graham Chapman

Show 7 Quotes

There are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

Graham Chapman

You might like these Quotes aswell

Brian: "You're all individuals!"
People: "Yes, we're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
People: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man: "I'm not."

Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Centurion: "Crucifixion lasts hours, it's a slow, horrible death."
Matthias: "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air."

Matthias in Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Sit down, have a scone, make yourself at home... you klutz!

Reg in Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Who's that then?"
"I dunno. Must be a king."
"Why?"
"He hasn't got shit all over him."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Guard: "Halt! Who goes there?"
Arthur: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England."
Guard: "Pull the other one!"

Artus in Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Obstetrician 1: "Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV."
Obstetrician 2: "And get the machine that goes 'ping!'."
Obstetrician 1: "And get the most expensive machine - in case the Administrator comes."

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Now, here's the meaning of life. Well, it's nothing very special: Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - The End of the Film

Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.

Monty Python's The Meaning of Life - Part VII: Death

Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground
And when I move them, they walk around
And when I lift them, they climb the stairs
And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

Colonel: "Watkins, why did you join the army?"
Watkins: "For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'."
Colonel: "Watkins, are you a pacifist?"
Watkins: "No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

Monty Python's Flying Circus

I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it!

Monty Python's Flying Circus

We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.

Monty Python's Flying Circus

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

John Cleese

I think that money spoils most things, once it becomes the primary motivating force.

John Cleese

The Americans all love 'The Holy Grail', and the English all love 'Life Of Brian', and I'm afraid on this one, I side with the English.

John Cleese

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

Eric Idle

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

Eric Idle

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

Eric Idle

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

Michael Palin

The use of the word "just" by an Australian means that whatever it is you have to do, it will not be easy, as in "Just pull that sword out of the stone" or "Just split that atom."

Michael Palin - Full Circle with Michael Palin (1997)

Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life.

Michael Palin

We're all in our 70s now and even doing 10 shows, with lots of costume changes, is going to be exhausting. And the guys have far more to do than me, obviously. But I have a feeling it might not be the last Python project ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they did another film.

Carol Cleveland - June 2014

They all welcomed me with open arms and immediately put my fears to rest. John Cleese was rather flirty; Michael Palin seemed rather shy; Terry Jones was very jolly; Eric Idle was a tiny bit aloof; Graham Chapman was very polite and Terry Gilliam was very loud and a bit manic.

Carol Cleveland

Then there was Michael Palin. Michael is the one who hasn't changed at all. I thought he was - and still is - the cutest of the bunch.

Carol Cleveland

We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. Not today, not ever.

Terry Jones

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.

Terry Jones

I'm cheerfully optimistic about life. Optimism is very important!

Terry Jones

Television and the media are everywhere and they are taking over so powerfully. They don't shut up for a second. So you are unable to think.

Terry Gilliam - Terry Gilliam's flying circus (2006)

I don't do drugs. I've got enough bizarre chemicals floating around in my head. I'm just naturally like this.

Terry Gilliam - Mai 1998

Because I dislike being quoted I lie almost constantly when talking about my work.

Terry Gilliam

We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

Graham Chapman

I hope I will have achieved something lasting.

Graham Chapman

You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show.

Graham Chapman

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht