The best Monty Python Quotes

Brian: "You're all individuals!"
People: "Yes, we're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
People: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man: "I'm not."

Centurion: "Crucifixion lasts hours, it's a slow, horrible death."
Matthias: "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air."

Sit down, have a scone, make yourself at home... you klutz!

Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

"Who's that then?"
"I dunno. Must be a king."
"Why?"
"He hasn't got shit all over him."

Guard: "Halt! Who goes there?"
Arthur: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England."
Guard: "Pull the other one!"

Obstetrician 1: "Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV."
Obstetrician 2: "And get the machine that goes 'ping!'."
Obstetrician 1: "And get the most expensive machine - in case the Administrator comes."

Now, here's the meaning of life. Well, it's nothing very special: Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Shut up, you American! You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say "Let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say this." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.

Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."

Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"

I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground
And when I move them, they walk around
And when I lift them, they climb the stairs
And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.

Colonel: "Watkins, why did you join the army?"
Watkins: "For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'."
Colonel: "Watkins, are you a pacifist?"
Watkins: "No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it!

We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

I think that money spoils most things, once it becomes the primary motivating force.

The Americans all love 'The Holy Grail', and the English all love 'Life Of Brian', and I'm afraid on this one, I side with the English.

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

The use of the word "just" by an Australian means that whatever it is you have to do, it will not be easy, as in "Just pull that sword out of the stone" or "Just split that atom."

Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life.

We're all in our 70s now and even doing 10 shows, with lots of costume changes, is going to be exhausting. And the guys have far more to do than me, obviously. But I have a feeling it might not be the last Python project ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they did another film.

They all welcomed me with open arms and immediately put my fears to rest. John Cleese was rather flirty; Michael Palin seemed rather shy; Terry Jones was very jolly; Eric Idle was a tiny bit aloof; Graham Chapman was very polite and Terry Gilliam was very loud and a bit manic.

Then there was Michael Palin. Michael is the one who hasn't changed at all. I thought he was - and still is - the cutest of the bunch.

We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. Not today, not ever.

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.

I'm cheerfully optimistic about life. Optimism is very important!

Television and the media are everywhere and they are taking over so powerfully. They don't shut up for a second. So you are unable to think.

I don't do drugs. I've got enough bizarre chemicals floating around in my head. I'm just naturally like this.

Because I dislike being quoted I lie almost constantly when talking about my work.

We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

I hope I will have achieved something lasting.

You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".