Quotes from Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl

We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f-ing close to water.

Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."

Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"

I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground
And when I move them, they walk around
And when I lift them, they climb the stairs
And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.

I'd like to have an argument please.

Customer: "This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!"
Professional Arguer: "No, it isn't!"
Customer: "Yes it is!"
Professional Arguer: "No, no, no!"
Customer: "It is!"
Professional Arguer: "No, it isn't!"
Customer: "Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!"
Professional Arguer: "Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!"
Customer: "Yes, but it's not just saying 'No it isn't!'"
Professional Arguer: "Yes, it is!"
Customer: "No, it isn't!"

Hello and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to witness All-in Wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing; and by the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it'll go off.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table
David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could stick it away; half a pint of whiskey, every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed -
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.

"Good evening, Your Holiness."
"Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it."
"Oh, dear. It took me hours."
"Not happy at all."
"Is it the jello you don't like?"
"No."
"It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo."
"What kangaroo?"
"No problem, I'll paint him out."
"I never saw a kangaroo."
"Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?"
"That's the problem."
"What is?"
"The disciples."
"Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish."
"No, it's just that there are 28 of them."

Barrister II: "And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!"
Barrister I: "You waggled you what?"
Barrister II: "I waggled me wig!"
Barrister I: "Really?"
Barrister II: "Ah, the only thing I waggled!"

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too, I love to hear you oralise, when I'm between your thighs you blow me away. Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you, I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly, life can be fine if we both 69, if we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play till we're blown away.

They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold.

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

If love ruled on Earth, all laws were expendable.

The one who lives in the memories of his loved ones can't be dead; dead is only who's forgotten.

By a lie, a man... annihilates his dignity as a man.

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

In law a man is guilty when he violates the rights of others. In ethics he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.

All our knowledge begins with the senses, proceeds then to the understanding, and ends with reason. There is nothing higher than reason.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.

The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant.

A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury.

I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.

Alles, was nicht als Mittel zu einem Zweck und letztlich als Mittel zum Glück begehrt wird, ist selbst ein Teil des Glücks und wird erst dann um seiner selbst willen begehrt, wenn es dazu geworden ist.

A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.

Nothing is more surprising than the easiness with which the many are governed by the few.

It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once.

Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them.

Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them.

You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Brian: "You're all individuals!"
People: "Yes, we're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
People: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man: "I'm not."

Frenchman: "You empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Sir Galahad: "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?"
Frenchman: "No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "ping!". This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to - that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

Obstetrician 1: "Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV."
Obstetrician 2: "And get the machine that goes 'ping!'."
Obstetrician 1: "And get the most expensive machine - in case the Administrator comes."

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Colonel: "Watkins, why did you join the army?"
Watkins: "For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'."
Colonel: "Watkins, are you a pacifist?"
Watkins: "No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words "Monty Python" to me. It's not bad.

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

The human race should just slow down and think about what it is doing.

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

I loved every minute of Python and owe so much to them.

We're all in our 70s now and even doing 10 shows, with lots of costume changes, is going to be exhausting. And the guys have far more to do than me, obviously. But I have a feeling it might not be the last Python project ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they did another film.

What really alarms me about President Bush's "War on Terrorism" is the grammar. How do you wage war on an abstract noun? How is "Terrorism" going to surrender? It's well known, in philological circles, that it's very hard for abstract nouns to surrender.

We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. Not today, not ever.