We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f-ing close to water.Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."
Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"
I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground
And when I move them, they walk around
And when I lift them, they climb the stairs
And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.
I'd like to have an argument please.Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Customer: "This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!"
Professional Arguer: "No, it isn't!"
Customer: "Yes it is!"
Professional Arguer: "No, no, no!"
Customer: "It is!"
Professional Arguer: "No, it isn't!"
Customer: "Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!"
Professional Arguer: "Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!"
Customer: "Yes, but it's not just saying 'No it isn't!'"
Professional Arguer: "Yes, it is!"
Customer: "No, it isn't!"
Hello and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to witness All-in Wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing; and by the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it'll go off.Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table
David Hume could outconsume Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schlossed as Schlegel
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
And John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on a half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato, they say, could stick it away; half a pint of whiskey, every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed -
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed.
"Good evening, Your Holiness."
"Evening, Michelangelo. I want to talk to you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. I'm not happy about it."
"Oh, dear. It took me hours."
"Not happy at all."
"Is it the jello you don't like?"
"It does add a bit of colour, doesn't it. Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo."
"No problem, I'll paint him out."
"I never saw a kangaroo."
"Uh, he's right at the back. No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. All right?"
"That's the problem."
"Are they too Jewish? I made Judas the most Jewish."
"No, it's just that there are 28 of them."
Barrister II: "And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!"
Barrister I: "You waggled you what?"
Barrister II: "I waggled me wig!"
Barrister I: "Really?"
Barrister II: "Ah, the only thing I waggled!"
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too, I love to hear you oralise, when I'm between your thighs you blow me away. Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you, I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly, life can be fine if we both 69, if we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play till we're blown away.Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl