The best Quotes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Frenchman: "You empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Sir Galahad: "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?"
Frenchman: "No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

"Who's that then?"
"I dunno. Must be a king."
"Why?"
"He hasn't got shit all over him."

Guard: "Halt! Who goes there?"
Arthur: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England."
Guard: "Pull the other one!"

The Americans all love 'The Holy Grail', and the English all love 'Life Of Brian', and I'm afraid on this one, I side with the English.

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

I think that money spoils most things, once it becomes the primary motivating force.

I don't miss London much. I find it crowded, vast and difficult to get around. Cabs are incredibly expensive.

A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it just destroys any kind of system of dividing people.

You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change.

He who laughs most, learns best.

The most creative people have this childlike facility to play.

You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Brian: "You're all individuals!"
People: "Yes, we're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
People: "Yes, we are all different!"
Man: "I'm not."

Centurion: "Crucifixion lasts hours, it's a slow, horrible death."
Matthias: "Well, at least it gets you out in the open air."

Sit down, have a scone, make yourself at home... you klutz!

Wise Man: "We are three wise men."
Brian's mother: "Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me."

All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health. What have the Romans ever done for us?

Matthias: "Lay off! We haven't started yet."
Priest: "Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on!"
Women: "She did! She did! He did! He did!"
Woman: "Sorry, I thought we'd started."
Priest: "Go to the back!"

Crowns do queer things to the heads beneath them.

You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.

A wise king never seeks out war, but he must always be ready for it.

The Royal Family's wealth, unline their gene pool, is massive.

How romantic it must be to get imprisoned in a castle and made to squeeze out heirs.

The bluer the blood, the sweeter it spills.

Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "ping!". This is my favourite. You see, we lease this back from the company we sold it to - that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

Obstetrician 1: "Get the EEG, the BP monitor, and the AVV."
Obstetrician 2: "And get the machine that goes 'ping!'."
Obstetrician 1: "And get the most expensive machine - in case the Administrator comes."

Now, here's the meaning of life. Well, it's nothing very special: Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

We find your American beer like making love in a canoe. It's f-ing close to water.

Yorkshireman 1: "Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves."
Yorkshireman 2: "But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'."

Mr. Smoketoomuch: "Good morning!"
Travel agency secretary: "Oh, good morning! Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a bjob?"

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Colonel: "Watkins, why did you join the army?"
Watkins: "For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: 'no killing'."
Colonel: "Watkins, are you a pacifist?"
Watkins: "No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward."

I'd like to complain about people who constantly hold things up by complaining about people who complain. It's high time something was done about it!

No day of my life passes without someone saying the words "Monty Python" to me. It's not bad.

We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

The human race should just slow down and think about what it is doing.

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

The use of the word "just" by an Australian means that whatever it is you have to do, it will not be easy, as in "Just pull that sword out of the stone" or "Just split that atom."

I loved every minute of Python and owe so much to them.

We're all in our 70s now and even doing 10 shows, with lots of costume changes, is going to be exhausting. And the guys have far more to do than me, obviously. But I have a feeling it might not be the last Python project ever. I wouldn't be surprised if they did another film.

They all welcomed me with open arms and immediately put my fears to rest. John Cleese was rather flirty; Michael Palin seemed rather shy; Terry Jones was very jolly; Eric Idle was a tiny bit aloof; Graham Chapman was very polite and Terry Gilliam was very loud and a bit manic.

What really alarms me about President Bush's "War on Terrorism" is the grammar. How do you wage war on an abstract noun? How is "Terrorism" going to surrender? It's well known, in philological circles, that it's very hard for abstract nouns to surrender.

We will definitely not burn the Koran, no. Not today, not ever.

The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.

I've given up asking questions. l merely float on a tsunami of acceptance of anything life throws at me... and marvel stupidly.

Television and the media are everywhere and they are taking over so powerfully. They don't shut up for a second. So you are unable to think.

I don't do drugs. I've got enough bizarre chemicals floating around in my head. I'm just naturally like this.