Quotes from Modern Family

The good news is, Luke has his bike.
More good news, I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike.

Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her.

Jay: "I got you a little gift to celebrate. I know it’s not much...-"
Gloria: "It’s practically nothing!"

Mitchell: "We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news."
Jay: "Oh God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving."

Phil: "What a beautiful dress."
Gloria: "Thank you, Phil."
Phil: "Oh, okay."
Claire: "Phil! She said Phil, not feel!"

Mitchell: "It's been five years now and he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room we're in, just to make sure he doesn't ever see us kiss."
Cameron: "Wish my mother had that system. Remember?"

Phil: "Little heads up - there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding."
Claire: "Phil, you cried on the way here."
Phil: "I was on the brink already. I watched 'Dirty Dancing' before we left."

Gloria: "It seemd like all what we did was fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together."
Jay: "Which one were you doing?"

I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I surf the web... I text LOL - Laugh Out Loud, OMG - Oh My God, WTF - Why The Face.

Mitchell: "we've decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate."
Cameron: "Then we figured, they already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?"

Alex: "Luke got his head stuck in the banister again."
Phil: "I got it. Where's the babyoil?"
Claire: "It's on our bedside tip- I Don't know, find it!"

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.

Sal: "Does Lily have any other plates? I don't let Sammy eat off this plastic."
Pepper: "How does she breastfeed him if she doesn't let him near plastic?"

Jotham: "I'm leaving early to go to a hockey game. Kings versus Blackhawks."
Pepper: "Wow, they can call a team that?"
Jotham: "Black-h-awks!"

Alex: "What's Jagermeister?"
Phil: "Well, you know how in a fairytale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."

Haley: "Dad, can you just please tell mom, that I can take a two hour break and go to a party?"
Phil: "No Ma'am, I'm not stepping into that one. We're not playing 'good cop - mom'.'"

You can tell a lot about a person from his biography.

Watch a sunrise at least once a day.

When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like, "What?!"

Dance, until your feet hurt. Sing, until your lungs hurt. Act, until you're William Hurt.

The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you, if you just lower your expectations.

If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea.

Always look people in the eye. Even if they're blind. Just say, 'I am looking you in the eye.'

If you love something, set it free. Unless it's a tiger.