The best Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

The best Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
1
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
8
"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.
5
Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.
3
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
2
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
2
If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.
1
Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.
1
What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.
1
Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."
Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool
1
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
1
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
1
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
1
There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.
1
The world is the board, Heiress. We just have to keep rolling the dice.
When the odds are bad, you change the rules.
Jennifer Lynn Barnes in The Naturals - Killer Instinct
I found that any game can be made interesting if you put some money on it.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Perfection is impossible. In the 1,526 singles matches I played in my career, I won almost 80% of those matches. But what percentage of points did I win? 54%! In other words, even top ranked tennis players win barely more than half the points they play. When you lose every second point on average, you learn not to dwell on every shot.
Roger Federer - Juni 2024
Tennis is a mental game. Everyone is fit, everyone hits great forehands and backhands.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm 40. Tennis years are like dog years.
When I'm not losing, the other guy can't win.
It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.
1
Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.
59
Our fingerprints don't fade from the lifes of those we touch.
37
At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them.
Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy - Season 3 Episode 10
31
All of the world's darkness isn't enough to extinguish one candle's light.
Roman Herzog (as President of Germany) - Dezember 1998
Even the smallest candle pierces the darkness like the sharpest blade.
Better light a candle than curse the darkness.
Those candle flames were like the lives of men. So fragile. So deadly. Left alone, they lit and warmed. Let run rampant, they would destroy the very things they were meant to illuminate.
"I'll make eggs for breakfast. How do you want yours?"
"In a cheesecake!"
In my eyes, refusing cake is an immoral act.
Jonathan Stroud in Lockwood & Co. - 4: The Creeping Shadow
1
Dairy Queen is selling something called the Cheesecake Blizzard. It's a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake in it. We have now reached the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient.
If you're trying to create a company, it's like baking a cake. You have to have all the ingredients in the right proportion.
1
Monsieur, when a finger is pointing up to the sky, only a fool looks at the finger.
7
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.
Marilyn Manson - Irresponsible Hate Anthem, Album: Antichrist Superstar
1
The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin. This is the most important discussion you can ever have.
1
The fingers must be educated, the thumb is born knowing.
Just overwhelmed with gratitude. What an honor it is to run alongside President Donald J. Trump. He delivered peace and prosperity once, and with your help, he'll do it again.
J. D. Vance - Juli 2024
The central premise of the Biden campaign is that President Donald Trump is an authoritarian fascist who must be stopped at all costs. That rhetoric led directly to President Trump's attempted assassination.
J. D. Vance - Juli 2024

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