Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.