Quotes by Michael Scott

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn... we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Michael: "You use your brain too much."
Jim: "I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"
Michael: "Sometimes, the smartest people don't think at all."
Jim: "You just came up with that."
Michael: "As I was saying it."

Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Michael: "I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?"
Pam: "Yeah."
Michael: "I just don't want you to."

I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team or being picked for a team and then showing up and realizing that the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist. I should have known. Poopball?

I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.

I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Pam: "Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk."
Michael: "This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now."

I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

Kevin: "I would want to live with no legs."
Michael: "How about no arms? No arms and legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything."

An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to...- An office is a place where dreams come true.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying.

Laughter is my job. Tears are my game. Law is my profession.

Jim: "Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?"
Dwight: "Never."
Michael: "You are a thief of joy."

Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.

Michael: "Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be good exercise for you guys to do it yourself."
Andy: "We won't let you down."
Michael: "You can't. Because I don't care."

No! I hate it! I don't hate it. I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.

I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump... except I'm not an idiot.

Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

A boss's salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. For example, every year, I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Why did the convict had to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Toby: "You may want these orientation materials."
Michael: "Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation."

Michael: "No! For the guests, it is. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo."
Kelly: "I eat beef."
Michael: "Well, then consider it poisoned beef."

I can't say I was a big fan of "Bowling For Columbine". Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie. Like "Kingpin". And it wasn't.

Pam: "The waiting list for adoptions is like eight months."
Michael: "Eight months? I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months."

Angela: "No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer."
Michael: "That's terrible news for both of us."

Michael: "I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
Jim: "That's Batman."
Michael: "Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?"
Jim: "The ocean."
MIchael: "I work with a bunch of nerds."

New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhatten is the other name.

You may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Michael: "How long does it take for you to do something simple? Every day, like - brush your teeth in the morning?"
Billy Merchant: "I don't know, like, 30 seconds?"
Michael: "Oh my God. That's three times as long as it takes me."

Michael: "Do you know what it's like to be disabled?"
Phyllis: "I had scoliosis as a girl."
Michael: "Never heard of it. No... a real disability, not a woman's trouble."

Michael: "If you like her so much, don't give up!"
Jim: "She's engaged."
Michael: "Pff... BFD. Engaged ain't married. Never, ever, ever give up."

Shalax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing!

Michael: "I have to let somebody go today. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
Pam: "Why did you put it off until Halloween?"
Michael: "Because it's very scary stuff."

I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

There's no such thing as an appropriate joke - that's why it's a joke.

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Please do not drink and drive... because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?

I live by one rule: "No office romances". No way! Very messy, inappropriate. But I live by another rule: "Just do it" - Nike.

The main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired."

You'll notice I didn't have anybody be Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended.

How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking. Then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate?

I'm a friend first and a boss second. Probably entertainer third.

This is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? It's called the wastepaper basket!