Quotes by Max Black

Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Max: "How old are you gonna be?"
Earl: "75"
Max: "Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger..."

Hey, if you got a second - stop staring at my boobs!

I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of coldplay.
You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad.
And finally, you think this is the sound that gets you service. I think, this is the sound that dries up my vagina.

Scaring people into participating isn't success, it's Scientology.

You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sl-ts!

Han Lee: "Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two double-A batteries and a 20-minute break."

Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

Last time I was at the gold space loft, I went to a poetry slam and I wound up slamming a poet.

Han Lee: "Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty."
Max: "What's that from? Dr. Seuss' 'oh, the places you'll put it in'?"

Do you think we can convince them that slapping each other's face is the new high five?

Caroline: "I'm much more concerned with our business and getting my head back above water. Men will come sooner or later."
Max: "Well, according to my research most men come sooner."

Han Lee: "Hipsters like karaoke!"
Max: "Replace the word 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you got the three worst things in history."

Earl: "Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to come out of Han's mouth?"
Max: "I got you pregnant?"
Earl: "Come on, bad, bad."
Max: "I got you pregnant again?"

Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last 'les' I'd 'be in'.

Caroline: "No need to yell, he's a champion."
Max: "Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard."
Caroline: "That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn."
Max: "Okay, well, I'm watching 'The Champion' drop some steaming hot 'Brooklyn' right now."

Max: "Hi, ready to order?"
Guest: "Do you have anything that's really special?"
Max: "Not according to my high school guidance counselor."

Caroline: "What'd you see in that guy, anyway?"
Max: "He had these muscle thingies."
Caroline: "Oh, those things?"
Max: "Yeah. I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid."

Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and crack whores. But then he took it over and ruined it.

Guest: "Excuse me, where is my waitress?"
[Paulina moaning]
Max Black: "She's coming."