The best Quotes by Maury the Hormone Monster

Jay: "How else are men supposed to get bj0bs?"
Maury: "You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, 'Dinner is served'."

You're gonna sit on his face and use that hair as a seat belt.

Puberty Fairy?! I'm the hormone monster. I'm no fairy. I mean sure I like to f*ck around with dudes, but I'm no fairy.

I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.

You somehow made farting even cooler!

Kids just don't nut like they used to.

Wrong? We're in Florida. The state bird is a chicken finger.

Smile, but with your p3nis.

I just wish you could see your d1ck the way I do.

I mean, maybe if it's animated we can get away with it.

We hate camp. It stinks like trees. And the boy only likes to poop at home.

This kid is a goddamn prodigy. I think he's his own hormone monster.

Show her you like her. Kick her in the shins!

Andrew: "Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance."
Nick: "What? First of all, I think he's got that wrong. Either that or you have grossly misquoted him."

Those girls are gonna eat him alive, and then barf him out because they're bulimic.

I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.

I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.

If I was gonna f*ck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a goddamn gentleman!

"Sorry, bro, she wants a real man. Ninth grade, top of the food chain."
Nick: "Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain."
Andrew: "Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain."

Andrew: "When you do kiss a girl, to make it official..."
Nick: "...there's gotta be tongue!"
Andrew: "Major tongue."
Nick: "You want to flick your tongue around."
Andrew: "Ideally."
Nick: "And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers too."
Andrew: "Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve."
Nick: "Yeah. We know what we're talking about."
Andrew: "It's nice to talk like men."

I am not a kid, for your information. I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president.

Nick: "I mean until Trump got elected, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, what happened with that?"
Nick: "I think it's gonna be Papa John now."

Gay Town sounds fun, but I've thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote. And I think this red bra scares both of us.

What is the point of research papers? Every thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.

I'm like Young Sheldon... if he fed.

Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!

My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Diane Birch: "Before I met your father I was with some men who were very well-endowed. And honestly, it was too much for me. Your father's p is my glass slipper."
Elliot Birch: "And you're my Cinderella."

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"