The best Quotes by Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master

Vax'ildan: "Good sir dwarf, clearly we are idiots."
Dungeon Master: "That's the first true thing you've said since you called me out of my meal."

Critical Role

Long ago, in another realm stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of peace... until a great evil arrived. A brave group of heroes banded together, ready to face this evil.

Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Critical Role - Episode 45

Pen & Paper

Well, you haven't seen a door mimic before, because I don't hate you that much yet.

Critical Role - Episode 90

Dungeon Master: "Look, we're letting you off this once, but if you so much as spit in the direction of any other dwarf in this city, we're gonna bury you so far underneath the dungeon, you won't see the light of day again until the day you rot. You hear me dragonborn?"
Tiberius: "I mean, yes. My hearing is perfectly fine."

Critical Role

How do you want to do this?

Critical Role

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Kashaw: "Is there a weak point?"
Scanlan: "Our plan."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Episode 78

Plans

Right. I have an intelligence of 6. I know what I'm doing.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Season 1 Episode 1

Oh, Kern, do you need some d-ck? Because I gave some to your mom last night!

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Season 1 Episode 23

In fact, we'll be keeping your weapons, your armor, and, I believe, your pride.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Season 1 Episode 5

Dagger's so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Season 1 Episode 24

Hello, I'd like to share the news of our lord and savior, my axe in your face!

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Episode 29

Only in the house of lady favors do I let my beans hang out when I sleep.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role - Episode 58

It's so rare that we're actually given the opportunity to be honest about everything; we might as well try it once and see if we like it.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 65

We don't do anything with dignity.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role - Episode 83

What's the best thing you've got? That's, you know, within reason.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role - Episode 84

You can't walk off in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek again. I've been in a barrel for an hour! I fell asleep in there!

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role - Episode 87

Keyleth: "Hey, guys… We're friends, right?"
Percy: "Worse. We're family."

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 85

I do not want to die who I am. I would like to live long enough to be someone else.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role

Vax'ildan: "You come on to every human, orc, and half-elf in the entire kingdom, but pretending to be my wife for 30 minutes is too much?"
Vex'ahlia: "Yes, it's disgusting, so no."
Vax'ildan: "You're probably right."

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role

Scanlan: "Ok, I'm gonna move right there, into the room as far as I can."
Dungeon Master: "That's as far as, you can go that far."
Scanlan: "Ok, and I'm going to cast stinking cloud. Right there. It's gonna smell like just ass over there."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role

Don't worry, that hard wood is the boat.

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role - Episode 10

With my frenzied rage renewed, I run towards the water, haunted by nightmares of Sebastian and the Little Mermaid and I leap into the water, and start slashing, and slashing.

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role

If only I had taken a dump in the middle of town, I could see what's going on right now.

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Critical Role

Nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Percy: "Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us."
Grog: "Well, I apologized, didn't I?"

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Tavern Keeper: "First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And what is that gnome doing with my daughter?"
Scanlan: "It's probably best you don't know."

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.

Taliesin Jaffe / Percy de Rolo in Critical Role - Episode 2

Sylas: "You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others."
Grog: "Right. Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back?"

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Vox Machina - Season 1

Grog: "We have, also if you're interested, in trade, basilisk eggs, and parts of an umberhulk."
Vax'ildan: "And a troll dck."
Grog: "Nope, that's gone. We flogged him with it, and then it disappeared."
Vax'ildan: "I detract my offer."
Grog: "It was used very well."

Travis Willingham / Grog Strongjaw in Critical Role

My lady's rose I will pluck
My love, it's time for us to f-

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Your Excellence tried the best fighters, who've adventured far and wide
But I promise that you've never met a troop so qualified
There's Grog our mighty giant, he's a simpleminded hulk
And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart your f-ing skull
Nature hath no fury quite like Keyleth the Ashari
Controlling plants and animals, she's a magical safari
The twins Vex and Vax, she shoots, he hides in the pitch
They're stealthy and quite deadly but I forget which one is which
Pike's divinity is pure, her hands can always heal
Oh, and did I mention we have a bear? Trinket, no big deal
And as for myself? My name is Scanlan, the man with the phat purple hand
My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it
Get some water, hide your daughters
Brave warriors are we and far more clever than a fox
They'll tell tale of our exploits in the Legend of Vox - Machina

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

Open your back door, baby
Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key

Sam Riegel / Scanlan Shorthalt in Vox Machina - Season 1

Tiberius: "Vax, what are you doing?"
Vax'ildan: "I'm killing someone, hold please."

Liam O'Brien / Vax'ildan in Critical Role

Percy: "Grog wins. Again."
Vax'ildan: "F- me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?"
Vex'ahlia: "Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously."

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Vox Machina - Season 1 Episode 1

I'll give you a limerick. Hold on. I've been preparing it. Have you heard tale of Scanlan the bard? Or Burt Reynolds if you look at his card. Always tries to get laid, sometimes with ladies he made. But I still respect him because rhyming is hard.

Laura Bailey / Vex'ahlia in Critical Role

Burt Reynolds

Rajesh: "I don't know if I want to play anymore."
Sheldon: "Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble."

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 4

Dungeons & Dragons Pen & Paper

Never trust a smiling gamemaster!

Pen & Paper

The best Quotes by Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master

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