The best Quotes by Matthew Mercer / Dungeon Master

Vax'ildan: "Good sir dwarf, clearly we are idiots."
Dungeon Master: "That's the first true thing you've said since you called me out of my meal."

Long ago, in another realm stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of peace... until a great evil arrived. A brave group of heroes banded together, ready to face this evil.

Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons.

Well, you haven't seen a door mimic before, because I don't hate you that much yet.

Dungeon Master: "Look, we're letting you off this once, but if you so much as spit in the direction of any other dwarf in this city, we're gonna bury you so far underneath the dungeon, you won't see the light of day again until the day you rot. You hear me dragonborn?"
Tiberius: "I mean, yes. My hearing is perfectly fine."

How do you want to do this?

Kashaw: "Is there a weak point?"
Scanlan: "Our plan."

Right. I have an intelligence of 6. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, Kern, do you need some d-ck? Because I gave some to your mom last night!

In fact, we'll be keeping your weapons, your armor, and, I believe, your pride.

Dagger's so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.

Hello, I'd like to share the news of our lord and savior, my axe in your face!

Only in the house of lady favors do I let my beans hang out when I sleep.

It's so rare that we're actually given the opportunity to be honest about everything; we might as well try it once and see if we like it.

We don't do anything with dignity.

What's the best thing you've got? That's, you know, within reason.

You can't walk off in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek again. I've been in a barrel for an hour! I fell asleep in there!

Keyleth: "Hey, guys… We're friends, right?"
Percy: "Worse. We're family."

I do not want to die who I am. I would like to live long enough to be someone else.

Vax'ildan: "You come on to every human, orc, and half-elf in the entire kingdom, but pretending to be my wife for 30 minutes is too much?"
Vex'ahlia: "Yes, it's disgusting, so no."
Vax'ildan: "You're probably right."

Scanlan: "Ok, I'm gonna move right there, into the room as far as I can."
Dungeon Master: "That's as far as, you can go that far."
Scanlan: "Ok, and I'm going to cast stinking cloud. Right there. It's gonna smell like just ass over there."

Don't worry, that hard wood is the boat.

With my frenzied rage renewed, I run towards the water, haunted by nightmares of Sebastian and the Little Mermaid and I leap into the water, and start slashing, and slashing.

If only I had taken a dump in the middle of town, I could see what's going on right now.

Nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

Ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.

Percy: "Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us."
Grog: "Well, I apologized, didn't I?"

Tavern Keeper: "First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And what is that gnome doing with my daughter?"
Scanlan: "It's probably best you don't know."

Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.

My lady's rose I will pluck
My love, it's time for us to f-

Your Excellence tried the best fighters, who've adventured far and wide
But I promise that you've never met a troop so qualified
There's Grog our mighty giant, he's a simpleminded hulk
And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart your f-ing skull
Nature hath no fury quite like Keyleth the Ashari
Controlling plants and animals, she's a magical safari
The twins Vex and Vax, she shoots, he hides in the pitch
They're stealthy and quite deadly but I forget which one is which
Pike's divinity is pure, her hands can always heal
Oh, and did I mention we have a bear? Trinket, no big deal
And as for myself? My name is Scanlan, the man with the phat purple hand
My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it
Get some water, hide your daughters
Brave warriors are we and far more clever than a fox
They'll tell tale of our exploits in the Legend of Vox - Machina

Open your back door, baby
Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key

Sylas: "You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others."
Grog: "Right. Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back?"

Grog: "We have, also if you're interested, in trade, basilisk eggs, and parts of an umberhulk."
Vax'ildan: "And a troll dck."
Grog: "Nope, that's gone. We flogged him with it, and then it disappeared."
Vax'ildan: "I detract my offer."
Grog: "It was used very well."

Percy: "Grog wins. Again."
Vax'ildan: "F- me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?"
Vex'ahlia: "Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously."

I'll give you a limerick. Hold on. I've been preparing it. Have you heard tale of Scanlan the bard? Or Burt Reynolds if you look at his card. Always tries to get laid, sometimes with ladies he made. But I still respect him because rhyming is hard.

Tiberius: "Vax, what are you doing?"
Vax'ildan: "I'm killing someone, hold please."

Rajesh: "I don't know if I want to play anymore."
Sheldon: "Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble."

Never trust a smiling gamemaster!