You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.SexDoug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1
Selfies are electronic masturbation.Instagram, SelfiesKarl Lagerfeld
A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a p-rnographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible.Anthony Burgess in A Clockwork Orange
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.Woody Allen
That "Uhm..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 3 Episode 22
I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.American Pie - 1, by Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad
Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute "plans" in my book.Walter White in Breaking Bad, Season 2 Episode 9
It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, "I'm getting off here", is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), State Attorneys General
Ted: "Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is."
Robin: "I don't get it, that guy wasn't masturbating."
Barney: "Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief."