Quotes and Sayings about Masturbation

You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a p-rnographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible.

Anthony Burgess in A Clockwork Orange

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen

That "Uhm..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 22

I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

Noah Levenstein / Jim's Dad in American Pie - 1

Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute "plans" in my book.

Walter White in Breaking Bad - Season 2 Episode 9

It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, "I'm getting off here", is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - State Attorneys General

Ted: "Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is."
Robin: "I don't get it, that guy wasn't masturbating."
Barney: "Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother - Season 8 Episode 8

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If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Damon Salvatore in The Vampire Diaries

Sex Erotic Quotes

Sheldon: "You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of having sexual congress with this woman?"
Leonard: "Men do things for women without expecting sex."
Sheldon: "Those would be men who just had sex."

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 2

Sex

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent... leave that to me.

Eminem

Sex Violence Drugs

Caus' you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

Perry Cox in Scrubs - Season 2 Episode 2

Sex

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 1

Sex Ice Cream

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 11

Sex New York City

I don't know what's better gettin' laid or gettin' paid.

Kanye West

Money Sex

Org*sms don't send you Valentine's cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.

Charlotte York in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 4

Sex Valentine's Day

Sex is not a time to chat. It's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life, where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up.

Miranda Hobbes in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 2

Sex

I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship.

Gregory House in Dr. House - Season 1 Episode 8

Sex Relationships

Tell a man: "I hate you" - you'II have the best sex of your Iife. But tell him: "I Iove you" - you'II probably never see him again.

Samantha Jones in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 10

Men Sex Singles & Dating

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Woody Allen

Love Sex Erotic Quotes

When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable.

Tina Fey

Sex

Robin: "Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese."
Lily: "I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions."

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother - Season 5 Episode 22

Sex

A sexy glance beats a bl*wjob every time.

Anna in White Lines - Season 1 Episode 1

Sex Erotic Quotes

No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 16

Valentine's Day

Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 13

If he can only perform good or only perform evil, then he is a clockwork orange - meaning that he has the appearance of an organism lovely with colour and juice but is in fact only a clockwork toy to be wound up by God or the Devil.

Anthony Burgess in A Clockwork Orange

It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen.

Anthony Burgess in A Clockwork Orange

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 18

Alcohol

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 15

Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

I am very down to earth. Just not on this one.

Karl Lagerfeld

Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Max Black in 2 Broke Girls - Season 2 Episode 2

Instagram X / Twitter

The selfie is the new way to look someone right in the eye and say, "Hello, this is me."

James Franco

Selfies

When we pray we admit defeat.

Anthony Burgess in The Wanting Seed

Praying

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving.

Woody Allen

Love Breakup

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 10 Episode 2

Teeth

I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Jeanine Stifler / Stifler's Mom in American Pie - 1

Whiskey

You clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me?! No! I am the one who knocks!

Walter White in Breaking Bad - Season 4 Episode 6

Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I'll know what to name them.

Saul Goodman in Breaking Bad - Season 4 Episode 13

Funny Insults

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Germany Fairytales

Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother - Season 5 Episode 7

Friendship Relationships

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 6 Episode 3

Breakup Beginning

I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

Carrie Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

If you expect the worst from a person you can never be disappointed.

Anthony Burgess in The Wanting Seed

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 20

Quotes and Sayings about Masturbation

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