Quotes and Sayings about Masturbation

You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

Selfies are electronic masturbation.

A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a p-rnographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

That "Uhm..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.

I have to admit, I did the fair bit of... masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", you know, "pounding the old pud". I never did it with baked goods. But you know your uncle Mort, he "pets the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.

Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute "plans" in my book.

It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, "I'm getting off here", is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

Ted: "Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is."
Robin: "I don't get it, that guy wasn't masturbating."
Barney: "Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief."

If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Sheldon: "You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of having sexual congress with this woman?"
Leonard: "Men do things for women without expecting sex."
Sheldon: "Those would be men who just had sex."

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent... leave that to me.

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Caus' you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope you don't get hit in the eye.

I don't know what's better gettin' laid or gettin' paid.

Org*sms don't send you Valentine's cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.

Sex is not a time to chat. It's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life, where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up.

I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship.

Tell a man: "I hate you" - you'II have the best sex of your Iife. But tell him: "I Iove you" - you'II probably never see him again.

When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable.

Robin: "Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese."
Lily: "I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions."

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

A sexy glance beats a bl*wjob every time.

No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."

If he can only perform good or only perform evil, then he is a clockwork orange - meaning that he has the appearance of an organism lovely with colour and juice but is in fact only a clockwork toy to be wound up by God or the Devil.

It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen.

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"

I am very down to earth. Just not on this one.

Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

The selfie is the new way to look someone right in the eye and say, "Hello, this is me."

When we pray we admit defeat.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving.

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

You clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me?! No! I am the one who knocks!

Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I'll know what to name them.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

If you expect the worst from a person you can never be disappointed.

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.