Marshall: 'Robin, I need you to delete the last text that Lily got before she sees it.'
Robin: 'Bro, it's my wedding weekend. Just because you didn't know better than to take a naked selfie while you were in the coldest part of the country...'
Marshall: '...first, I'm an Eriksen. Cold has a plumping effect.'
Barney: 'I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds.'
Marshall: 'Helpful. Continue.'
I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty hot-dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many...Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 2
Lily: 'Okay, stop! Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it's the chair...'
Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics. They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.ItalyMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 23
You're gonna get endless requests to play some game, that has something to do with gangsters and farming!FacebookMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 13
Marshall: 'It's kind of a big, professional meeting. You might want to trade out that lollipop for a shirt.'
Ted: 'Yeah. I'll just give it to one of these kids.'
Marshall: 'Oh, buddy. You're half naked, you're not a parent to any of these children. Don't offer 'em candy!'
Ted: 'How was your day?'
Lily: 'Good, although I think I just saw a woman with a full-beard outside.'
Marshall: 'I think I just saw a guy with breasts outside.'
The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of 'Twelve Angry Men', but this was more like 'Twelve Horny Women'.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
When you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.SelflessnessMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Robin: 'Can you guys keep a secret?'
Marshall: 'Well, some of us can...'
It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
Ted: 'The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?'
Marshall: 'Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?'
Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 5
Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
Marshall: 'Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?'
Barney: 'I'll have the same.'
Marshall: 'All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk.'
Barney: 'So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?'
Ted: 'Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington.'
Barney: 'I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.'
Ted: 'Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her.'
Marshall: 'Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember.'
Ted: 'Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?'
Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 10
Lily, I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs. I miss our home. I miss our booth with our friends. And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick... somewhere bad.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14
Marshall: 'The last time I lived this far from him, was my semester abroad.'
Lily: 'You never did a semester abroad?'
Marshall: 'That's what I called it, when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.'
Lily, you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 8
Ted: 'Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.'
Robin: 'It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great.'
Marshall: 'I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.'
Barney: 'Looks like that bee got busy.'
Ted: 'Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.'
Marshall: 'Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.'
Lily: 'A big package just arrived.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it did.'
Lily: 'No, no. It's a real package from your dad.'
Marshall: 'Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.'
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.CollegeMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 11
I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!RelationshipsMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3
Ted: 'Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with.'
Marshall: 'I have one. It's called my marriage-license.'
Brother, you're driving the 'I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck' and its got a huge blind spot.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 8
Lily: 'Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane!'
Marshall: 'Have we crashed even once?'
The only person on earth, who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Marshall: 'The broken windows?'
Lily: 'We had to make it look realistic.'
Marshall: 'But why did you break two of them?'
Robin: 'It looked like fun when she did it, so I wanted to try.'
Marshall: 'I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.'
Lily: 'That's Dirty Dancing!'
Ted: 'It was on last night.'
Marshall: 'No, it was two nights ago. 'She's Like the Wind' has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!'
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 6
Barney: 'On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.''
Marshall: 'And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.''
A drum roll?! That's it? So what, you just said good night, came home and... performed a drum solo?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
I thought you where vomit-free since nintythree... so that was a lie?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 15
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11