Marshall: "Robin, I need you to delete the last text that Lily got before she sees it."
Robin: "Bro, it's my wedding weekend. Just because you didn't know better than to take a naked selfie while you were in the coldest part of the country..."
Marshall: "...first, I'm an Eriksen. Cold has a plumping effect."
Barney: "I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds."
Marshall: "Helpful. Continue."
I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty hot-dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many...Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 2
Lily: "Okay, stop! Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust."
Marshall: "Yeah, it's the chair..."
Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics. They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.ItalyMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 23
You're gonna get endless requests to play some game, that has something to do with gangsters and farming!FacebookMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 13
Marshall: "It's kind of a big, professional meeting. You might want to trade out that lollipop for a shirt."
Ted: "Yeah. I'll just give it to one of these kids."
Marshall: "Oh, buddy. You're half naked, you're not a parent to any of these children. Don't offer 'em candy!"
The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of 'Twelve Angry Men', but this was more like 'Twelve Horny Women'.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
When you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.SelflessnessMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Robin: "Can you guys keep a secret?"
Marshall: "Well, some of us can..."
It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
Ted: "The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?"
Marshall: "Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?"
Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 5
Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
Marshall: "Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?"
Barney: "I'll have the same."
Marshall: "All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk."
Barney: "So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?"
Ted: "Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington."
Barney: "I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf."
Ted: "Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her."
Marshall: "Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember."
Ted: "Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?"
Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 10
Lily, I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs. I miss our home. I miss our booth with our friends. And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick... somewhere bad.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14
Marshall: "The last time I lived this far from him, was my semester abroad."
Lily: "You never did a semester abroad?"
Marshall: "That's what I called it, when we lived on opposite sides of the campus."
Lily, you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 8
Ted: "Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees."
Robin: "It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great."
Marshall: "I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand."
Barney: "Looks like that bee got busy."
Ted: "Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed."
Marshall: "Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees."
Lily: "A big package just arrived."
Marshall: "Yeah, it did."
Lily: "No, no. It's a real package from your dad."
Marshall: "Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is."
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.CollegeMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 11
I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!RelationshipsMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3
Ted: "Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with."
Marshall: "I have one. It's called my marriage-license."
Brother, you're driving the 'I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck' and its got a huge blind spot.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 8
Lily: "Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane!"
Marshall: "Have we crashed even once?"
The only person on earth, who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Marshall: "The broken windows?"
Lily: "We had to make it look realistic."
Marshall: "But why did you break two of them?"
Robin: "It looked like fun when she did it, so I wanted to try."
Marshall: "I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy."
Lily: "That's Dirty Dancing!"
Ted: "It was on last night."
Marshall: "No, it was two nights ago. 'She's Like the Wind' has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!"
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 6
Barney: "On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.'"
Marshall: "And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.'"
A drum roll?! That's it? So what, you just said good night, came home and... performed a drum solo?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
I thought you where vomit-free since nintythree... so that was a lie?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 15
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11