The funniest Macho Jokes

One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. Rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing cherry vanilla. You can get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. Welcome back to the world, grab a spoon!

Joey Tribbiani in Friends - Season 1 Episode 1

Ice Cream

If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"

Jimmy Carr

Ass Dark Humor

When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game.

Matt T. Sherman in Operation Petticoat

One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother

Fish

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When you find a man you wish to marry, Tessa, remember this: You will know what kind of man he is not by the things he says, but by the things he does.

Cassandra Clare in The Infernal Devices

Lies Men Taking action Talking

Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.

Friedrich Schiller in Don Carlos

Youth Men Birthday Age

Men may be stronger, but it is women who endure.

Cassandra Clare in The Infernal Devices

Men Women

As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!

Coco Chanel

Men

When a guy does something stupid once, well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl.

Once-ler in The Lorax

Men

Tell a man: "I hate you" - you'II have the best sex of your Iife. But tell him: "I Iove you" - you'II probably never see him again.

Samantha Jones in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 10

Men Sex Singles & Dating

As long as you know that most men are like children, you know everything.

Coco Chanel

Men

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Friendship Men Women

I've known a great many clever men. I've outlived them all. Do you know why? I ignored them.

Olenna Tyrell in Game of Thrones - Season 7 Episode 2

Men

Sometimes a man has to cry. Even if he is a man.

Rudolfo Anaya

Crying & Tears Men

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

Chuck Norris

Men

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

Ann Bancroft

Men

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

Janeane Garofalo

Men

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

Christopher Morley

Men Men & Women

Boys suck. Even when they have perfect blue eyes and ridiculously cool trucks. Maybe especially then.

Kiersten White in The Chaos of Stars

Men

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

Ellen DeGeneres

Tolerance Homosexuality & LGBTQ+Cars

Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 4 Episode 22

Cars

Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines.

Enzo Ferrari

Cars

Nice try. You see, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Joey Tribbiani in Friends - Season 3 Episode 9

Peter Pan Netherlands

Moo Point. It's like a cow's opinion, it just doesn't matter.

Joey Tribbiani in Friends - Season 7 Episode 8

Cows

For women, men are like tennis balls: sooner or later, they're caught in the net.

Charles Aznavour

Men & Women

That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fck up for a minute and comfortably share the silence.

Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction

Being Silent

I am the only man in the country not allowed to give his name to his children.

Prince Philip

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Natalie Portman

Intelligence Men & Women Singles & Dating

Regarding social media, I really don't understand what appears to be the general population's lack of concern over privacy issues in publicizing their entire lives on the Internet for others to see to such an extent... but hey it's them, not me, so whatever.

Axl Rose

Social Media

Joey: "Pheebs, wanna help?"
Phoebe: "I wish I could, but I don't want to."

Phoebe Buffay in Friends - Season 1 Episode 1

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 1

Sex Ice Cream

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Jimmy Carr

Dark Humor

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

Ray Embrey in Hancock

Ass

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

Jimmy Carr

Dark Humor

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 17

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 6 Episode 3

Breakup Beginning

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Albert Einstein

Genius Fish

He hasn't found happiness. He's found marriage, the very opposite of happiness.

The Crown

Marriage

Ross: "I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?"
Chandler: "Because you've only known her for six weeks. I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with."

Chandler Bing in Friends - Season 4 Episode 19

Milk

Chandler: "Oh my God, those are my bedroom eyes? Why did you ever sleep with me?"
Monica: "Do you really want to pull at that thread?"

Monica Geller in Friends - Season 7 Episode 5

The funniest Macho Jokes

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