The funniest Macho Jokes

Women have to be able to remain silent. A woman without silence is like a car without breaks.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

I'm not God but if I were God, three quarters of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer.

One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. Rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing cherry vanilla. You can get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. Welcome back to the world, grab a spoon!

If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"

When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game.

One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.

When you find a man you wish to marry, Tessa, remember this: You will know what kind of man he is not by the things he says, but by the things he does.

Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.

Men may be stronger, but it is women who endure.

As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!

When a guy does something stupid once, well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl.

Tell a man: "I hate you" - you'II have the best sex of your Iife. But tell him: "I Iove you" - you'II probably never see him again.

As long as you know that most men are like children, you know everything.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

I've known a great many clever men. I've outlived them all. Do you know why? I ignored them.

Sometimes a man has to cry. Even if he is a man.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

Boys suck. Even when they have perfect blue eyes and ridiculously cool trucks. Maybe especially then.

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines.

Nice try. You see, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Moo Point. It's like a cow's opinion, it just doesn't matter.

For women, men are like tennis balls: sooner or later, they're caught in the net.

That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fck up for a minute and comfortably share the silence.

I am the only man in the country not allowed to give his name to his children.

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Regarding social media, I really don't understand what appears to be the general population's lack of concern over privacy issues in publicizing their entire lives on the Internet for others to see to such an extent... but hey it's them, not me, so whatever.

Love lasts forever, you know? Nothing like it in this lifetime. Money in the bank.

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

He hasn't found happiness. He's found marriage, the very opposite of happiness.

Ross: "I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?"
Chandler: "Because you've only known her for six weeks. I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with."

Chandler: "Oh my God, those are my bedroom eyes? Why did you ever sleep with me?"
Monica: "Do you really want to pull at that thread?"