The best Quotes by Louis C. K.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

2017

Whenever you leave behind failure, you're doing good. If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

Failures & Mistakes

Corona-Jokes

The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today. That's whose here - it's all of us that went, "okay, I'll keep doing it."

2017

Dark Humor

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Men & Women

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Reducing Weight

What happens after you die? Lots of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you.

Death

I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Reducing Weight

People say "my phone sucks." No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it’s wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

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As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

Dan Snyder

Washington, D.C.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Jay Leno

Washington, D.C.Washington Wizards

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Robert Orben

Washington, D.C.

I call Washington "the city of the perishable".

Nancy Pelosi (as Speaker of the US House of Representatives)

Washington, D.C.

Let me give you a little bit of free advice. DC is all about realtionships.

Kimble Hookstraten in Designated Survivor - Season 1 Episode 9

Washington, D.C.

Alex: "You can't do that. You can't make promises that you won't be able to keep!"
Tom: "We're in Washington, they're the only promises we're allowed to make."

Thomas Adam Kirkman in Designated Survivor - Season 1 Episode 1

Washington, D.C.

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog!

Harry S. Truman

Washington, D.C.Funny Politician Quotes

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Meryl Streep

Self-Confidence Reducing Weight

Robin: "I just finished a seven-day cleanse."
Marshall: "I thought you just started that yesterday."
Robin: "I finished early, okay?"

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother - Season 4 Episode 2

Reducing Weight

If anybody even tries to whisper the word "diet," I'm like, "You can go f- yourself!"

Jennifer Lawrence

Reducing Weight

Just burnt 2000 calories.
That's the last time I will bake pizza while I sleep.

Pizza Reducing Weight

Finding someone you love and who loves you back is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. But finding a true soul mate is an even better feeling. A soul mate is someone who understands you like no other, loves you like no other, will be there for you forever, no matter what. They say that nothing lasts forever, but I am a firm believer in the fact that for some, love lives on even after we're gone.

Cecelia Ahern in P.S. I Love You

Love Relationships

Our fingerprints don't fade from the lifes of those we touch.

Remember Me

Soul Friendship Relationships

A happy marriage doesn't mean you have a perfect spouse or a perfect marriage. It simply means you've chosen to look beyond the imperfections in both.

Fawn Weaver

Relationships Perfection Marriage

Lucy, every marriage is a dance; complicated at times, lovely at times, most the time very uneventful. But with Mickey, there will be times when your dance will be on broken glass. There will be pain. And you will either flee that pain or hold tighter and dance through it to the next smooth place.

Ka Hancock in Dancing on Broken Glass

Relationships Marriage

But there are mistakes that are necessary. Sometimes you have to die a little bit to get back to live a little longer.

Benedict Wells

Failures & Mistakes Breakup Beginning

I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Failures & Mistakes Intelligence

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

Adolf Hitler Jesus Popularity Social Media

How others see you is not important. How you see yourself is everything.

Harvey Specter in Suits

Self-Confidence Popularity Motivation

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

Corona-Jokes

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

Corona-Jokes

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Jimmy Carr

Dark Humor

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

Jimmy Carr

Dark Humor

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Natalie Portman

Intelligence Men & Women Singles & Dating

Men always want to be a woman's first love. What women like is to be a man's last romance.

Oscar Wilde

Love Men & Women

There's no death for those who don't fear it.

Karl May

Death

Death is so close, always, a breath away, so perhaps it was wise to introduce children to that concept at an early age.

Harlan Coben in Fool Me Once

Death

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Women

The best Quotes by Louis C. K.

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