The best Quotes by Lisa Lampanelli

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring "Huckleberry Finn." Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.

Mark Twain Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Comedians

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.

Aids & HIV

"Baywatch" sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-t*ts with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge.

David Hasselhoff Baywatch

I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.

You might like these Quotes aswell

A kiss is something you need both hands for.

Mark Twain

Kissing Hands

Preserve your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but not live.

Mark Twain

Dreaming

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain

Humanity Gratitude Animals Dogs

Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.

Mark Twain

Life Happiness

Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles.

Mark Twain

Life Craziness & Weirdness

'You can go home now,' Tom told us.
'We'll meet next week. Then we can rob somebody and kill some people.'

Mark Twain in Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.

Mark Twain in Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory.

Mark Twain in Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Truth

I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.

Mark Twain in Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Check-Point Charlie.

David Hasselhoff

Mistakes

Summer: "Did you just look at my boobs? You should look at my face."
Matt: "I'm trying but it's so close to your boobs."

Matt Brody in Baywatch

Boobs

Mitch: "We've got a dead body on our beach."
Matt: "That's not our job."
Mitch: "My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there and my balls say we need to check it out."
Matt: "My balls say, 'let's just take it easy right here'."
Mitch: "What? Your balls sound like three-year-old girls."
Matt: "I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise."

Matt Brody in Baywatch

You're in politics. You know that no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails.

Victoria Leeds in Baywatch

Politics

Summer Quinn: "Why does she always look like she's running in slow-mo?"
Ronnie Greenbaum: "You see it too?"
Summer Quinn: "And she always looks wet, but not too wet."
Ronnie Greenbaum: "Right? She's the reason I believe in God."

Baywatch

There's no I in team, but there is a me.

Matt Brody in Baywatch

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

Carl Reiner

Comedians

I've experienced plenty of times when something I think is funny doesn't do very well. And there are times when something I don't think is funny makes the audience laugh so hard.

Carrot Top

Comedians

AIDS is an absolutely tragic disease. The argument about AIDS being some kind of divine retribution is crap.

Calvin Klein

Aids & HIV

The AIDS is a disease that is hard to talk about.

Bill Gates

Aids & HIV

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Women

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

Slavery Dubai

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Kevin Hart

Past

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The best Quotes by Lisa Lampanelli

You might like these Quotes aswell

Related pages to Lisa Lampanelli