Quotes by Lily Aldrin

The "no more surprises"-thing is the best part of being married.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.

So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"?

Marshall: "Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days."
Ted: "Absolutely not!"
Lily: "Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options."
Marshall: "Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit."

Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.

Barney: "I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this."
Lily: "You got ketchup on a red tie, you can't even see it!"

Marshall: "Lily, you snooped through her stuff?"
Lily: "No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary."

Marshall: "Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one."
Lily: "Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!"

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.

Ted: "So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?"
Lily: "Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!"

Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is "Scary Poppins".

Marshall: "Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?"
Lily: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?"

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it?

Lily: "Just give me his name!"
Robin: "Fine. It's Bill Pepper."
Lily: "Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?"

Marshall: "During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you."
Lily: "I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!"

I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

Robin: "Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese."
Lily: "I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions."

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the "Hall of Game", this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.

Marshall: "I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it."
Lily: "Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it."

Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

Robin: "Who wants hot-wings?"
Lily: "I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on Barney, since he's a total chicken."

Ted: "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!"
[The lights turn out]
Lily: "Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!"
Ted: "Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I..."
Man: "You use that language again and I turn off your water!"
Lily: "It's my super - he lives above me."

Ted: "I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special."
Lily: "Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?"

Ted: "I hate how you're always right."
Lily: "It's my best, and most annoying, trait."

Lily: "A swordfight? On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a freakin' broadsword."
Marshall: "Well... just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through."
Lily: "I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?"

Lily: "It's nine weeks 'til the wedding, at this point, I'd say yes to just about anything."
Barney: "Well..."
Lily: "No, Barney."

Ted: "You're not gonna do it at your wedding?"
Lily: "Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!'"

Marshall: "Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: "...a little girl?"

Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.

Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.

Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?