Quotes by Lily Aldrin

The 'no more surprises'-thing is the best part of being married.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.

So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital 'I'?

Marshall: 'Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days.'
Ted: 'Absolutely not!'
Lily: 'Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options.'
Marshall: 'Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit.'

Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.

Barney: 'I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this.'
Lily: 'You got ketchup on a red tie, you can't even see it!'

Marshall: 'Lily, you snooped through her stuff?'
Lily: 'No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.'

Marshall: 'Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.'
Lily: 'Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!'

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.

Ted: 'So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?'
Lily: 'Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!'

Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is 'Scary Poppins'.

Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it?

Lily: 'Just give me his name!'
Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'
Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'

Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'

I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

Robin: 'Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese.'
Lily: 'I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions.'

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the 'Hall of Game', this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.

Marshall: 'I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.'
Lily: 'Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.'

Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

Robin: 'Who wants hot-wings?'
Lily: 'I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on Barney, since he's a total chicken.'

Ted: 'Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!'
[The lights turn out]
Lily: 'Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!'
Ted: 'Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I...'
Man: 'You use that language again and I turn off your water!'
Lily: 'It's my super - he lives above me.'

Ted: 'I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special.'
Lily: 'Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?'

Ted: 'I hate how you're always right.'
Lily: 'It's my best, and most annoying, trait.'

Lily: 'A swordfight? On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a freakin' broadsword.'
Marshall: 'Well... just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.'
Lily: 'I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?'

Lily: 'It's nine weeks 'til the wedding, at this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.'
Barney: 'Well...'
Lily: 'No, Barney.'

Ted: 'You're not gonna do it at your wedding?'
Lily: 'Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!''

Marshall: 'Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: '...a little girl?'

Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.

Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.

Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?