The 'no more surprises'-thing is the best part of being married.MarriageLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 12
Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 8
So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital 'I'?Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 24
Marshall: 'Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days.'
Ted: 'Absolutely not!'
Lily: 'Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options.'
Marshall: 'Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit.'
Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9
Barney: 'I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this.'
Lily: 'You got ketchup on a red tie, you can't even see it!'
Marshall: 'Lily, you snooped through her stuff?'
Lily: 'No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.'
Marshall: 'Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.'
Lily: 'Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!'
Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 6
Ted: 'So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?'
Lily: 'Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!'
Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is 'Scary Poppins'.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 3
Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'
I think my soul just threw up a little bit.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.Gifts & PresentsLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it?Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 18
Lily: 'Just give me his name!'
Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'
Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'
I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 24
Robin: 'Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese.'
Lily: 'I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions.'
In commemoration of Barney's induction into the 'Hall of Game', this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 14
Marshall: 'I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.'
Lily: 'Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.'
Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 16
Robin: 'Who wants hot-wings?'
Lily: 'I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on Barney, since he's a total chicken.'
Ted: 'Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!'
[The lights turn out]
Lily: 'Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!'
Ted: 'Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I...'
Man: 'You use that language again and I turn off your water!'
Lily: 'It's my super - he lives above me.'
Ted: 'I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special.'
Lily: 'Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?'
Ted: 'I hate how you're always right.'
Lily: 'It's my best, and most annoying, trait.'
Lily: 'A swordfight? On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a freakin' broadsword.'
Marshall: 'Well... just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.'
Lily: 'I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?'
Lily: 'It's nine weeks 'til the wedding, at this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.'
Lily: 'No, Barney.'
Ted: 'You're not gonna do it at your wedding?'
Lily: 'Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!''
Marshall: 'Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: '...a little girl?'
Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 15
Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.SexLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother