Quotes from Last Week Tonight (Page 2)

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling 'beer'.

Mexico... or as you may know it: Spicy Canada.