The lamest Jokes of all Time (Update 2025)

The lamest Jokes of all Time (Update 2025)

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive belt?
Bombi

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

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Alcohol Funny Quotes

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

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Funny Quotes Singles & Dating

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

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Funny Quotes Tequila Being naked

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

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Funny Quotes Santa Claus Bad Girls

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

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Smoking Funny Quotes

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

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Foolishness Culture Funny Quotes

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

1

Funny Quotes Netflix

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

T. Boone Pickens

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Work Sleeping Funny Quotes

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

1

Funny Quotes Museums

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool

1

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush

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Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert H. Humphrey

1

Weddings Funny Quotes Mothers in law Marriage

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

1

Laziness Funny Quotes Fun

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Oscar Levant

1

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

1

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

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My first words, as I was being born I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those!"

Stephen Fry

My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.

I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.

Long story short:
The chicken.

Funny Quotes Chicken & Roosters Eggs

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Nigel Powers in Austin Powers - Goldmember

Funny Quotes Netherlands

I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.

Without coffee, I could easily survive a zombie apocalypse. They'd think I'm one of them.

Funny Quotes Coffee

I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

Daniel Radcliffe

I was anti-vax for 7 years... then, I turned 8 and found out that the needle's not as bad as the stuff it protects me from.

Funny Quotes Vaccines

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Jimmy Carter

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Johnny Carson

Alcohol Enjoying Sex Smoking Funny Quotes

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Laurence J. Peter

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

Foolishness Funny Quotes

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Funny Quotes Golf

Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

Laura Prepon

Funny Quotes Frogs

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.

Howard Nemerov

Women Success Funny Quotes

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

Funny Quotes Texas

Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

George Raft

Funny Quotes Gambling

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

Christmas Funny Quotes Offices

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

Willie Nelson

Alcohol Funny Quotes

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Oscar Levant

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Funny Quotes Santa Claus

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes Fingers

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Heart Funny Quotes Blood

If I love you, I show you I love you every day. Little things, big things.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

3

Love declerations

The single most powerful thing I can be is to be myself.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

2

Character Self-Confidence

Just had a good talk with God. Told me if we want something - work for it and he'll meet us halfway.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

2

God Ambition Work Motivation

Success isn't always about greatness. It's about consistency. Consistent hard work leads to success. Greatness will come.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

1

Work Success Motivation

It's been an age-old question of who would win a fight between Black Adam and Superman. Pound for pound, they're pretty close. I guess it probably all depends on who is playing Superman.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - July 2022

Superman Black Adam

It is time for all of us here and millions around the world to bear witness to these incredible players, who will leave every ounce of sweat, guts, and pride, and legacy on the this hallow field, because that is what champions do. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to say finally... it is time for the Super Bowl!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - Super Bowl 56 Introduction Speech

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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson