The best Quotes by Klaus Heisler

The best Quotes by Klaus Heisler

Klaus Heisler is a fictional character from the animated television series American Dad! The Smith family's hapless and mostly hated goldfish, he is voiced by Dee Bradley Baker.

There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

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Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 1 Episode 14
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Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 11
Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 5 Episode 9
A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?
Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 14
Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.
Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 3
Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 15
Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.
When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 20
I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.
Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I’m the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I’d like to donate some of my immense riches. What’s that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
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I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.
Ah, saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows.
Boil water? What, am I a chemist?
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 1 Episode 18
In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.
Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 12 Episode 22
The new Pixar movie, Clothes. It’s about the secret lives of clothes. John Ratzenberger plays a tie.
They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.
John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - Boeing
Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"
Shameless - Season 3 Episode 12

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