Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."
You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.Sex, MasturbationDoug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1
Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"
No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.Valentine's DayDoug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 16
Spence: "A month is not that long not to have had sex."
Doug: "Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy..."
I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?Carrie Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1