Quotes from King of Queens

The best Series Quotes

No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Valentine's DayDoug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 16
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Carrie: 'What are you doing?'
Doug: 'Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing.'

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 13
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Spence: 'A month is not that long not to have had sex.'
Doug: 'Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy...'

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 12
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You know, it has been 17 days since I've 'enjoyed' you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

SexDoug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1
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I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

Carrie Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1
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Carrie: 'I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: 'Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative.'
Carrie: 'Well, there is one alternative...'
Doug: 'Euthanasia?! Do we dare?'

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens, Season 1 Episode 1
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Characters from King of Queens