The best Quotes by Kevin Malone

The best Quotes by Kevin Malone

Kevin Malone is a fictional character in the American television series The Office. He is portrayed by Brian Baumgartner. Kevin's counterpart in the UK TV series is Keith Bishop, who shares Kevin's lack of communication skills, musical interest, and obesity. In the series, Kevin is a part of the accounting department at the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin.

Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."
The Office - Season 7 EpisodeĀ 9
Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"
The Office - Season 7 Episode 4
Michael: "I can't stop myself from kissing her."
Kevin: "Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&Ms all day."
The Office - Season 6 Episode 23

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Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."
Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
1
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25
1
You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 9
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I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 5 Episode 22
1
Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.
Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 17
1
It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.
Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 4 Episode 12
1
Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 3 Episode 11
1
Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."
Creed Bratton in The Office - Season 3 Episode 9
1
I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
Florida is America's bas*ment: it's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators.
Robert California in The Office - Season 8 Episode 11
I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.
Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 8 Episode 7
What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.
Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 8 Episode 3
Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 22
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.
Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 23
My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.
Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.
Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 7 EpisodeĀ 9
Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called "let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests". And they're both winning.
Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 4 Episode 9
Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."
Pam Beesly in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25
It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
Pam Beesly in The Office - Season 6 Episode 22
Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."
Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 27
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too?
Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 4
Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.
Ryan Howard in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."
Ryan Howard in The Office - Season 1 Episode 5
Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.
Toby Flenderson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 21
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.
Toby Flenderson in The Office - Season 3 Episode 18
I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.
Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.
Andy Bernard in The Office - Season 4 Episode 2
What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
Kelly Kapoor in The Office - SeasonĀ 7 Episode 2
I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah. I call them heaven.
Deangelo Vickers in The Office - Season 7 Episode 20
There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they wanna do.
Gabe Lewis in The Office - Season 7 Episode 26
In five years, I'd like to be five years sober... four and a half.
Meredith Palmer in The Office - Season 2 Episode 15
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Karen Filippelli in The Office - Season 3 Episode 18
When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.
Oscar Martinez in The Office - Season 4 Episode 5
Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."
Jan Levinson in The Office - Season 4 Episode 9
Like, up the ass? Do you get used to that? I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic.
Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 1

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