The best Quotes by Kevin James

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No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 16

Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 13

Spence: "A month is not that long not to have had sex."
Doug: "Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy..."

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 12

You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

Sex Masturbation

Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"

Doug Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

Bean: "K-O-B-R-Q-V-Y. Confidence."
Eric: "Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college."

Eric Lamonsoff in Grown Ups

Becky Feder: "How long ago was the '80s?"
Keithie Feder: "That was way back in the 1900s. We learned about it in school. It was wack. The phones had long, curly things coming out of the end. You had to watch commercials."

Grown Ups - 2

80s

A burpsnart? It's simple. You just start with a burp, then you sniff with a sneeze, you get the going, and that triggers a fart, always.

Eric Lamonsoff in Grown Ups - 2

Lenny Feder: "Doctor, wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure for anger?"
Dr. Larry: "There is. It's called Jack Daniels."

Grown Ups - 2

Whiskey

I can't believe nobody's even scared of a black guy anymore! Damn you, Obama!

Kurt McKenzie in Grown Ups - 2

Barack Obama

Do not call him a bug-eyed sociopath with a little man complex. Do not say that his hair makes him look like a dirty q-tip. Or that he resembles an older, gay Jonas Brother. Or a midget, Filipino Fonzi.

Gloria Nunen in Grown Ups

Jonas Brothers

Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that's what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act... that is where the depth comes in.

Gloria Nunen in Grown Ups

Eric Lamonsoff: "Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot."
Greg Feder: "Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii."
Eric Lamonsoff: "Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot."

Marcus Higgins in Grown Ups

Tim Duncan

You're human and I'm a monster. It's like freaky friday but on a tuesday.

Jonathan in Hotel Transylvania - 4: Transformania

I always thought the worst thing ever would be seeing you go, but the worst is seeing you unhappy.

Dracula in Hotel Transylvania

Human blood is so fatty and you never know where its been.

Dracula in Hotel Transylvania

Jonathan: "Are these monsters gonna kill me?"
Dracula: "Not as long as they think you're a monster."
Jonathan: "That's kinda racist."

Jonathan in Hotel Transylvania

Monsters

Armor: "Sir, sir, we have an urgent plumbing issue."
Dracula: "Plumbing?
Armor: "There is a clogged toilet in room 348."
Dracula: "It's okay, we all get stomach aches, Mr. Bigfoot."

Dracula in Hotel Transylvania

Dracula: "No, honey, you're too young."
Mavis: "I'm a hundred and eighteen years old."

Mavis in Hotel Transylvania

Speaking of awesome, that cape thing is killing it!

Jonathan in Hotel Transylvania

Welcome to Hotel Transylvania. It's a place I built for all those monsters hiding from the persecution of humankind, a place of relaxation and tranquility.

Dracula in Hotel Transylvania

I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

Carrie Heffernan in King of Queens - Season 1 Episode 1

Songs are as sad as the listener.

Jonathan Safran Foer in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Music Sad Quotes

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

Max Black in 2 Broke Girls - Season 1 Episode 10

Kim Kardashian Thanksgiving

"What's love to you?"
Flaca: "It's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.' There's mood lighting all over, and there's like five dudes massaging you."
Maritza: "And you have a pizza!"
Flaca: "She's right. You also have a pizza."

Marisol 'Flaca' Gonzales & Maritza Ramos in Orange Is the New Black

Pizza

For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.

Louis de Funès

Laughing & Smile

It's not about the absence of fear. It's overcoming it.

Emma Watson

Fear

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

Orson Welles

Men & Women

My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me.

Anthony Hopkins

Self-Confidence Gossip & Rumors

My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their book shelf" - so I make sure I read.

Emilia Clarke

Books Reading

We think too much and feel too little.

Charlie Chaplin

Thinking Feelings & Emotions

If one does not attach himself to people and desires, never shall his heart be broken. But then, does he ever truly live?

Jackie Chan

Life Desire

One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.

Klaus Kinski

Failures & Mistakes

I'm much more proud of being a father than being an actor.

Bruce Willis

The best Quotes by Kevin James

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