Quote by Jordan Klepper (about New York City)

Quote by Jordan Klepper (about New York City)

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

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The government was beholden to the NRA, and the NRA's power stemmed from one oft-debated sentence written at a time when guns were muskets and lightning was witchcraft, the Second Amendment.

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Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
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Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
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I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

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Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

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Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

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Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
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Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

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You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

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All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

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No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

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There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders.

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Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

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One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

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To never be sick can't be healthy.

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F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

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A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

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Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

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Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

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The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

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Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

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If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

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This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

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Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

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People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

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Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

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The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

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Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

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Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

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The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

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We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
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