The best Quotes by Jordan Klepper

The government was beholden to the NRA, and the NRA's power stemmed from one oft-debated sentence written at a time when guns were muskets and lightning was witchcraft, the Second Amendment.

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.

Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.

I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!

Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!

If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."

The Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as sh-t.

Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

Don't point fingers on the internet, because the internet will finger you right back.

They're tricking kids into building their own playground. And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, and by the time we were done "playing", we had finished a whole new line of Nike's.

I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.

Why can't we us thoughts and prayers to protect the border? It's what we use to protect our schools.

If I could have just 1 per cent of the money spent on global armaments, no one in this world would go to bed hungry.

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When you lose everything, that's when you're finally free.