The best Quotes by Jonah Hill

I always wanted to be a film-maker when I was younger, not an actor. I was an eight-year-old who dreamed of being a writer on 'The Simpsons,' which was a weird dream to have. But I started taking acting classes as a way to learn how to direct actors and I sort of fell in love with it.

It's always better to shock people and change people's expectations than to give them exactly what they think you can do. It's not unexpected for me to be in a comedy film anymore; I'm no longer the underdog in that world. Not that I'm great or good at it or anything, it's just that I've done a bunch of them, so you're not shocked.

I've never had issues with popularity. I was always a popular guy... I've always had friends and loved ones and everything, so it wasn't like, 'Oh man, I gotta fill some void that was left by high school.' I had a great high-school experience.

All my friends were in college when I was making 'Superbad.' We were drinking beer and watching movies and eating pizza. It wasn't like I was going to nice restaurants or anything like that, and I lived like a frat guy. Eventually it was time to grow up, be healthy and be responsible. You can't live like a kid forever, you know?

I play a lot of games on my iPhone. There is a game called Rat on a Scooter that I will promote as much as possible because it has brought me so much joy.

Jules: "You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours."
Seth: "Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock."

I'm sorry that I blocked your cock.

You don't want girls to think you suck dick at f*cking p*ssy.

Becca: "I'm so wet right now."
Evan: "Yeah... they said that would happen in health class."

Officer Michaels: "Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?"
Fogell: "It's not the 'going' I'm worried about... but the 'coming'."

I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.

Becca: "Your c*ck is so smooth!"
Evan: "Your's would be too... if you were a man."

Seth: "Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball."
Evan: "It's like a division sign."

I take quaaludes ten to fifteen times a day for my "back pain", adderall tostay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again and morphine well... 'cause its awesome.

It’s business. Leave your emotions at the door.

Money doesn't just buy you a better life, better food, better cars, better p*ssy. It also makes you a better person.

Without action, the best intentions in the world are nothing more than that: intentions.

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

Okay, first rule of Wall Street: Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock's going up, down or f*cking sideways, least of all stockbrokers. But we have to pretend we know.

Akbar: "This kufi that I'm wearing was actually a gift from the honorable Louis Farrakhan. Are you familiar with the minister's work?"
Ezra's Mom: "Well, I'm familiar with what he said about the Jews..."
Ezra: "Let's have dinner!"

Ever figure out what happened with the potatoes? An ETA on those?

Akbar: "So, you wanna marry my daughter?"
Ezra: "Yes. Yes, I do."
Akbar: "Well, Ezra, you can try."

Amira: "Get out! Help, I'm being attacked!"
Ezra: "Okay! But you're not getting five stars."
Amira: "I'm not no Uber driver!"

I've never heard of a man who wanted a relationship so badly besides Drake. And I'm talking Views Drake.

"What are you up to these days? Got a girlfriend?"
Ezra: "No."
"You don't like getting p*ssy?"
Ezra: "Well, hearing the word 'p*ssy' come out of your mouth does make me question whether or not I like it."

I heard there's an asteroid or a comet or something that you don't like the looks of. Tell me about it and then tell me why you're telling me about it.

They charge an arm and a leg for this stuff. Ten apiece ought to do it.

Do we keep having a wonderful time or does he go back with you to Wisconsin? Or Montana. Michigan?

Randall Mindy: "There's a 100% certainty of impact."
Janie Orlean: "Please, don't say 100%."
Vice President: "Can we just call it a potentially significant event?"
Kate Dibiasky: "But it isn't potentially going to happen. It is going to happen."
Randall Mindy: "Exactly. 99.78% to be exact."
Jason Orlean: "Great. Okay, so it's not 100%."
Teddy Oglethorpe: "Well, scientists never like to say 100%."
Janie Orlean: "Call it 70% and let's just move on."

Ladies, Gentlemen, I wish you a very pleasant end of times.

Not everything needs to sound so clever, or charming, or likeable all the time. Sometimes we need to just be able to say things to one another. We need to hear things!

Captain Dickson: "New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and f*ck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed."
Jenko: "Oh, I love Disneyland!"
Captain Dickson: "You two sons of b*tches are going to college!"

Jenko: "Got a pound of coke."
Schmidt: "We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their f*cking lives."
Jenko: "Pound of marijuana?"
Schmidt: "Best party ever!"

I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

If any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they'll find themselves in prison with a snorkel duct taped to their mouth, and me shitting down that snorkel!

Sanders: "You punched me because I'm gay?"
Jenko: "What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards."

Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

Welcome to a city where people trying to disappear aren't actually trying.

I lived in L.A. for a few months. It seemed like no one there had parents. Or if they did have parents, they would deny it.

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a p-rn star!

For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.

It's not about the absence of fear. It's overcoming it.

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me.

My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their book shelf" - so I make sure I read.