Quote by Jon Stewart (about Religion, Snakes)

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Jon Stewart

Religion Snakes

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When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

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Journalism Facts

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Jon Stewart

Earth

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Jon Stewart

Oil

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart

Canada

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Jon Stewart

Religion

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Jon Stewart - September 2005

Internet

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart

Thanksgiving

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

Jon Stewart

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

New York Knicks

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

Minnesota Timberwolves

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Bitcoin Cryptocurrencies

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Boris Johnson

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Rudy Giuliani

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

New England Patriots Boston

Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

Tinder Spotify

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

Funny Quotes Museums

Everyone wants to write a book. Very few people are able to do it.

John Hodgman

Books Writing

First of all, I wish I could grow a beard.

John Hodgman

Beards

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Burning Man

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - April 2023

NRA

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Bill Maher

Religion

A snake that crawled on the earth one day dreamed of soaring through the sky, though knowing it was impossible. Still, hoping beyond hope, it kept it's eye on a baby bird which it raised in its own nest, little realizing that actually the snake is prey because that bird is a hawk, ready to take to the sky.

Sasuke Uchiha in Naruto

Snakes

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

Quote by Jon Stewart (about Religion, Snakes)

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