Quote by John Oliver (about China, Pandas)

China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fck.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

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Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Germany Fairytales

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Australia

Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Russia

Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Donald Trump Russia US Elections Tetris

Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Griechenland

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Brexit II

France England & Great Britain Switzerland

The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - NRA TV

NRA Nutella

During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Nuclear Waste

Australia... not just the country where Russell Crowe lives, but very much the Russell Crowe of countries.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Russell Crowe Australia

Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - North Dakota

Oil North Dakota Channing Tatum

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Sex Education

Sex Teenagers

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Home Depot Commercial

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Marketing to Doctors

High School

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - Boeing

Balloons

I don't typically hop into the generation wars, because I've got a Gen X birth certificate and a boomer body.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - A History of Chuck E. Cheese

Gen X Baby Boomers

The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - December 2023

Iraq Afghanistan

You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - June 2014

Burning Man

The Royal Family's wealth, unline their gene pool, is massive.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - The Monarchy

Monarchy

AI is ultimately a mirror and it will reflect back exactly who we are... from the best of us to the worst of us.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Artificial Intelligence

A cartel-like group of scumbags and assaulted criminals who ocassionaly put on soccer matches.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

FIFA Association

Our main story tonight concerns the World Cup. It's like the Super Bowl, except the rest of the world actually gives a f*ck.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

FIFA World Cup 2022 Super Bowl

There are two kinds of big companies in the United States. There are those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those who don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese.

James Comey

China Hackers

Why are all the news ladies Chinese? They should stick to what they know: railroads, sushi and dim sum.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 4

China

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

Jim Jefferies

Pandas

I think Pandas are my spirit animal. Lazy, dark circles around their eyes, and always hungry.

Pandas

Our secretary of health and human sacrifice, RFK Jr.

Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live!) - May 2025

RFK Jr.

For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

Mark Rober in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - November 2021

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Women

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

Slavery Dubai

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Kevin Hart

Past

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

Quote by John Oliver (about China, Pandas)

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