Quote by John Oliver (about Germany, Fairytales)

Quote by John Oliver (about Germany, Fairytales)

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

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2

Germany Fairytales

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Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

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Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

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The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

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During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

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Australia... not just the country where Russell Crowe lives, but very much the Russell Crowe of countries.

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Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

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Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

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Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

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9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

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They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

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I don't typically hop into the generation wars, because I've got a Gen X birth certificate and a boomer body.

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The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

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You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

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The Royal Family's wealth, unline their gene pool, is massive.

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AI is ultimately a mirror and it will reflect back exactly who we are... from the best of us to the worst of us.

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A cartel-like group of scumbags and assaulted criminals who ocassionaly put on soccer matches.

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I don't open my beak to squak out good news. This thing pops open for sad news and porridge - and I'm all out of porridge right now.

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Life is too short to learn German.

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The Germans have six months of winter and six months of no summer.

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We all remember the bed time stories of our childhoods. The shoe fits Cinderella, the frog turns into a prince, sleeping beauty is awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales, the stuff of dreams. The problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality. The person that invented the phrase "Happily ever after" should have his ass kicked, so hard!

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If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.

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Our secretary of health and human sacrifice, RFK Jr.

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For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

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Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

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One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

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To never be sick can't be healthy.

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F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

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A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

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Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

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Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

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Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

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This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

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Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

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People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

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Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

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The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

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You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

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