Quotes by John Oliver (Page 2)

Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

Germany... where the national motto is, "let's stick to the present, shall we?"

America is the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Australia... not just the country where Russell Crowe lives, but very much the Russell Crowe of countries.

Greece... the country that spent money like a rapper whose accountant is Nicolas Cage.

Greenland is icy, distant and semi-autonomous. It's exactly Trump's type.

Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling 'beer'.

Mexico... or as you may know it: Spicy Canada.