Quotes by John Oliver (Page 2)

Here you can find the best Quotes by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight.

Quotes by John Oliver

Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

FacebookJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Facebook
 
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Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

FacebookJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Facebook
 
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Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Trade
 
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[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

ColaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Workplace Sexual Harassment
 
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Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Guardianship
 
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Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Guardianship
 
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Germany... where the national motto is, "let's stick to the present, shall we?"

GermanyJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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America is the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

USAJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Trump vs. The World
 
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His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Donald TrumpJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Trump vs. The World
 
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Greece... the country that spent money like a rapper whose accountant is Nicolas Cage.

GriechenlandJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Greenland is icy, distant and semi-autonomous. It's exactly Trump's type.

Donald Trump, GreenlandJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

Penisses, PrisonsJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Mandatory Minimums
 
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The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling "beer".

Beer, Soccer World Championship 2014, FIFA AssociationJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), World Cup Excitement
 
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Mexico... or as you may know it: Spicy Canada.

MexicoJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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