The best Quotes by John Oliver (Page 2)

That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

Telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA for the first time is a bit like showing someone "Two Girls, One Cup". You do it mainly so you can watch the horrified expression on people's faces.

David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn't. It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I'll eat it! But it's tainted somehow.

Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, "I'm getting off here", is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

Germany... where the national motto is, "let's stick to the present, shall we?"

America is the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Greece... the country that spent money like a rapper whose accountant is Nicolas Cage.

Greenland is icy, distant and semi-autonomous. It's exactly Trump's type.

Prison sentences are a lot like penises. If they're used correctly, even a short one can do the trick... is a rumor I have heard.

The only problem is, Budweiser is one of FIFA's key sponsors. And they sell a product they reflexivly insist on calling "beer".

Mexico... or as you may know it: Spicy Canada.