The best Quotes by John Oliver

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

(Last Week Tonight)

Germany Fairytales

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

(Last Week Tonight)

Australia

Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russia

Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

(Last Week Tonight)

Donald Trump Russia US Elections Tetris

Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

(Last Week Tonight)

Griechenland

Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

(Last Week Tonight) - Brexit II

France England & Great Britain Switzerland

The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

(Last Week Tonight) - NRA TV

NRA Nutella

During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

(Last Week Tonight) - Nuclear Waste

Australia... not just the country where Russell Crowe lives, but very much the Russell Crowe of countries.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russell Crowe Australia

Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

(Last Week Tonight) - North Dakota

Oil North Dakota Channing Tatum

Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

(Last Week Tonight) - Sex Education

Sex Teenagers

Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

(Last Week Tonight) - Home Depot Commercial

9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

(Last Week Tonight) - Marketing to Doctors

High School

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

Last Week Tonight - Boeing

Balloons

I don't typically hop into the generation wars, because I've got a Gen X birth certificate and a boomer body.

(Last Week Tonight) - A History of Chuck E. Cheese

Gen X Baby Boomers

The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

Last Week Tonight - December 2023

Iraq Afghanistan

You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.

Last Week Tonight - June 2014

Burning Man

The Royal Family's wealth, unline their gene pool, is massive.

(Last Week Tonight) - The Monarchy

Monarchy

AI is ultimately a mirror and it will reflect back exactly who we are... from the best of us to the worst of us.

(Last Week Tonight)

Artificial Intelligence

A cartel-like group of scumbags and assaulted criminals who ocassionaly put on soccer matches.

(Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

FIFA Association

Our main story tonight concerns the World Cup. It's like the Super Bowl, except the rest of the world actually gives a f*ck.

(Last Week Tonight) - Qatar World Cup

FIFA World Cup 2022 Super Bowl

I don't open my beak to squak out good news. This thing pops open for sad news and porridge - and I'm all out of porridge right now.

(Last Week Tonight) - Carbon Offsets

The ridiculousness of thinking that some sort of global Illuminati wrote down their plot for killing of 95 % of humanity on a giant granit post-it note and left their secret plan somewhere no conservative would ever find it: rural Georgia.

(Last Week Tonight) - Rocks

Georgia

Let's move on to Ukraine. A nation that, like the human appendix and your grandma Mimi, you only really hear about if something's gone horribly wrong.

(Last Week Tonight) - November 2015

Ukraine

Pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at christmas.

(Last Week Tonight) - Prison Heat

Pigs

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - January 2021, about the Inauguration of Joe Biden

If you are a tiny, wealthy, strategically located country with oily business underneath you, the whole world is your friend.

(Last Week Tonight)

Oil Brunei

Nigeria... the country whose prince is going to be sending some of that money he owes any day now.

(Last Week Tonight)

Nigeria

New Zealand... Hobbit's Australia.

(Last Week Tonight)

The Hobbit New Zealand Hobbits & Harfoots

North Korea... named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by North Korea Magazine.

(Last Week Tonight)

North Korea

China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fck.

(Last Week Tonight)

China Pandas

India... or as we once called it, Britain's spice rack.

(Last Week Tonight)

India

Denmark... also known as "wrong Norway", "different Sweden" and "that's actually not Finland".

(Last Week Tonight)

Denmark

The UK... the country that gave the world The Beatles and then punished it with Coldplay.

(Last Week Tonight)

The Beatles Coldplay England & Great Britain

The United Kingdom... America's "before" photo.

(Last Week Tonight)

England & Great Britain

The United Kingdom... birthplace of The Beatles and yet very much, the world's Ringo.

(Last Week Tonight)

The Beatles England & Great Britain

The UK... earth's least magic kingdom.

(Last Week Tonight)

England & Great Britain

Though, Belgium does have one thing in common with Budweiser, historically speaking: Germans refuse to acknowledge it's even there.

(Last Week Tonight)

Belgium

Israel... drama-wise the opposite of Canada.

(Last Week Tonight)

Israel

Saudi Arabia... the country with bans on pork, alcohol and p*rn - or, as it's known in America: a Florida Breakfast.

(Last Week Tonight)

Florida Saudi Arabia

Russia... the future home of 45 million Ukrainians.

(Last Week Tonight)

Russia Ukraine

Sweden. Who hasn't spent 20 minutes in IKEA and immediately wanted to launch an attack on Sweden?

(Last Week Tonight)

Sweden IKEA

Norway... the left t-sticle in the frigid sea p-nis of Scandinavia.

(Last Week Tonight)

Norway

Brazil... the country with the second most valuable Amazon on earth.

(Last Week Tonight)

Brazil Amazon

Brazil... home of that one famous statue that I don't know the name of, 'cause I'm too embarrassed to google, "come at me bro jesus statue".

(Last Week Tonight)

Brazil

Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru!

(Last Week Tonight)

Peru

Canada - what you'd get if America and Britain had a baby they abandoned in the snow.

(Last Week Tonight)

Canada

Ireland... Europe's Boston.

(Last Week Tonight)

Ireland Boston

The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

(Last Week Tonight) - Coronavirus VII: Sports

Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

(Last Week Tonight) - Warehouses

Michael Jackson Amazon

You might like these Quotes aswell

I know it's true
It's all because of you
And if you go away
I know you could never stay

The Beatles - Now and Then

Violet: "I'm so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I'm with her, I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."
Matthew: "But isn't she American?"
Violet: "Exactly."

Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey

England & Great Britain

Every country has its own mafia. In Russia, the mafia has its own country.

Garry Kasparov

Russia

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

If there is no blood on the line, it is not rugby league.

Russell Crowe

Rugby

The best Quotes by John Oliver

You might like these Quotes aswell

Related pages to John Oliver