Quotes by John Oliver

Here you can find the best Quotes by John Oliver from Last Week Tonight.

Quotes by John Oliver

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

Germany, FairytalesJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
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Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

RussiaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
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Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

Russia, Donald Trump, US ElectionsJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
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Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

GriechenlandJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
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The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

NRAJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), NRA TV
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During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

2017John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Nuclear Waste
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Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

Oil, North DakotaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), North Dakota
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Abstinence is a healthy choice, that many teens will make. Either by choice, or, as I can attest, by circumstance.

Sex, TeenagersJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Sex Education
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Home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship: Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning and fluorescent lighting.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Home Depot Commercial
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9 out of the top 10 drug makers spent more on marketing, than they did on research. Drug companies are a bit like highschool boyfriends. They're much more concerned with getting inside you, than being effective once they're in there.

High SchoolJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Marketing to Doctors
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The ridiculousness of thinking that some sort of global Illuminati wrote down their plot for killing of 95 % of humanity on a giant granit post-it note and left their secret plan somewhere no conservative would ever find it: rural Georgia.

GeorgiaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Rocks
 
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Let's move on to Ukraine. A nation that, like the human appendix and your grandma Mimi, you only really hear about if something's gone horribly wrong.

UkraineJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), November 2015
 
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Pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at christmas.

PigsJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Prison Heat
 
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It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

John Oliver in Jimmy Kimmel Live!, January 2021, about the Inauguration of Joe Biden
 
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If you are a tiny, wealthy, strategically located country with oily business underneath you, the whole world is your friend.

Oil, BruneiJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

AustraliaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Nigeria... the country whose prince is going to be sending some of that money he owes any day now.

NigeriaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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New Zealand... Hobbit's Australia.

New Zealand, HobbitsJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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North Korea... named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by North Korea Magazine.

North KoreaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fck.

China, PandasJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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India... or as we once called it, Britain's spice rack.

IndiaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Denmark... also known as "wrong Norway", "different Sweden" and "that's actually not Finland".

DenmarkJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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The UK... the country that gave the world The Beatles and then punished it with Coldplay.

Beatles, England & Great BritainJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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The United Kingdom... America's "before" photo.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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The United Kingdom... birthplace of The Beatles and yet very much, the world's Ringo.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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The UK... earth's least magic kingdom.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Though, Belgium does have one thing in common with Budweiser, historically speaking: Germans refuse to acknowledge it's even there.

BelgiumJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Israel... drama-wise the opposite of Canada.

IsraelJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Saudi Arabia... the country with bans on pork, alcohol and porn - or, as it's known in America: a Florida Breakfast.

Florida, Saudi ArabiaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Russia... the future home of 45 million Ukrainians.

Russia, UkraineJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Sweden. Who hasn't spent 20 minutes in IKEA and immediately wanted to launch an attack on Sweden?

Sweden, IKEAJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Norway... the left testicle in the frigid sea p-nis of Scandinavia.

NorwayJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Brazil... the country with the second most valuable Amazon on earth.

Brazil, AmazonJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Brazil... home of that one famous statue that I don't know the name of, 'cause I'm too embarrassed to google, "come at me bro jesus statue".

BrazilJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru!

PeruJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Canada - what you'd get if America and Britain had a baby they abandoned in the snow.

CanadaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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Ireland... Europe's Boston.

Ireland, BostonJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Coronavirus VII: Sports
 
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Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

AmazonJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Warehouses
 
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The United Kingdom... a place whose very name after this week's events is beginning to sound a bit sarcastic.

England & Great Britain, BrexitJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight)
 
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That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

BrexitJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Brexit II
 
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Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

France, England & Great Britain, SwitzerlandJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Brexit II
 
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David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.

BrexitJohn Oliver
 
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Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

VenezuelaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Venezuela
 
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It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), State Attorneys General
 
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Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

FacebookJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Facebook
 
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Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

FacebookJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Facebook
 
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Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Trade
 
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[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

ColaJohn Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Workplace Sexual Harassment
 
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Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight), Guardianship
 
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