Quotes by John Oliver

John Oliver is a character from Last Week Tonight

Quotes by John Oliver
Quotes 1 to 50 of 5612

If you are a tiny, wealthy, strategically located country with oily business underneath you, the whole world is your friend.

Oil, BruneiJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

AustraliaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Nigeria... the country whose prince is going to be sending some of that money he owes any day now.

NigeriaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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New Zealand... Hobbit's Australia.

New ZealandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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North Korea... named "Best Korea" for 70 years running by North Korea Magazine.

North KoreaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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China... the country responsible for huge technological advances and yet, it still can't seem to get pandas to fuck.

ChinaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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India... or as we once called it, Britain's spice rack.

IndiaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Denmark... also known as "wrong Norway", "different Sweden" and "that's actually not Finland".

DänemarkJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The UK... the country that gave the world The Beatles and then punished it with Coldplay.

Beatles, England & Great BritainJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The United Kingdom... America's "before" photo.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The United Kingdom... birthplace of The Beatles and yet very much, the world's Ringo.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The UK... earth's least magic kingdom.

England & Great BritainJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Though, Belgium does have one thing in common with Budweiser, historically speaking: Germans refuse to acknowledge it's even there.

BelgienJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Israel... drama-wise the opposite of Canada.

IsraelJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Saudi Arabia... the country with bans on pork, alcohol and porn - or, as it's known in America: a Florida Breakfast.

Florida, Saudi ArabiaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Russia... the future home of 45 million Ukrainians.

Russia, UkraineJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Russia... the prequel and sequel to the Sowjet Union.

RussiaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Russia... the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially the 45th President of the United States.

Russia, Donald TrumpJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Greece... the most recent Greek Tragedy.

GriechenlandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
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Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

Germans, FairytalesJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
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Sweden. Who hasn't spent 20 minutes in IKEA and immediately wanted to launch an attack on Sweden?

Sweden, IKEAJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Norway... the left testicle in the frigid sea penis of Scandinavia.

NorwayJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Brazil... the country with the second most valuable Amazon on earth.

Brazil, AmazonJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Brazil... home of that one famous statue that I don't know the name of, 'cause I'm too embarrassed to google, "come at me bro jesus statue".

BrazilJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru!

PeruJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Canada - what you'd get if America and Britain had a baby they abandoned in the snow.

CanadaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Ireland... Europe's Boston.

IrelandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment! Now, second child - that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child - I'm not even sure the mother has to be there.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Coronavirus VII: Sports
 
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Basically, Amazon is the industry trend setter. They're the Michael Jackson of shipping: They're the best at what they do, everyone tries to imitate them, and nobody who learns a third thing about them is happy that they did.

AmazonJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Warehouses
 
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The United Kingdom... a place whose very name after this week's events is beginning to sound a bit sarcastic.

England & Great Britain, BrexitJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.

BrexitJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Brexit II
 
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Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.

France, England & Great Britain, SwitzerlandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Brexit II
 
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David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.

BrexitJohn Oliver
 
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Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.

AmericaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Venezuela
 
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It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, State Attorneys General
 
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Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.

FacebookJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Facebook
 
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Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.

FacebookJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Facebook
 
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Trade. The basic system of barter exchange that you have to do really carefully or you'll end up with Dwight Howard.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trade
 
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[..] to an infamous story about a pubic hair in a coke can. Which is the most disgusting thing you could possibly discover in a coke can - other than Pepsi.

ColaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Workplace Sexual Harassment
 
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Senior citizens, the people who stay active by playing shuffleboard, going on walks or performing their hit-song 'I can't get no satisfaction' in front of packed arenas around the world.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Guardianship
 
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Generally, Balls are to the human body what 'Starz' is to a cable package: It comes with it, we understand that, but it's not nice to look at and nobody really knows what to do with it.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Guardianship
 
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Germany... where the national motto is, "let's stick to the present, shall we?"

GermansJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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The NRA, a group that feels about guns, the way the rest of us feels about Nutella. A little is good, more is better and you can tell me it's bad for me all you like, but you will pry it from my cold dead hands.

Gun-ControlJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, NRA TV
 
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America ist the country that gave you Star Wars, you're welcome. And scientology, we're sorry about that. Sometimes what's great and terrible about us is just impossible to seperate.

AmericaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trump vs. The World
 
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His approach is 'America first!' Foreign affairs is like sex. If you loudly announce that you will always come first, you're going to have trouble finding partners.

Donald TrumpJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Trump vs. The World
 
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During WWII, we rushed into developing nuclear weapons, because we were trying to defeat the nazis, who - fun fact - pretty much all Americans agreed were bad at the time.

2017John Oliver in Last Week Tonight, Nuclear Waste
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Australia... not just the country where Russel Crowe lives, but very much the Russel Crowe of countries.

AustraliaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Greece... the country that spent money like a rapper whose accountant is Nicolas Cage.

GriechenlandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Greenland is icy, distant and semi-autonomous. It's exactly Trump's type.

Donald Trump, GreenlandJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight
 
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Like Channing Tatum, North Dakota suddenly turned out to be a lot more interesting, once it was covered in oil.

Oil, North DakotaJohn Oliver in Last Week Tonight, North Dakota
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Quotes 1 to 50 of 5612