The best Quotes by Joe Caputo

Joe Caputo: "You ever notice how some dog breeds, they sound kind of dirty? Like, shih tzu, cocker, Jack-something."
Susan Fischer: "Poodle."
Joe Caputo: "That is good, I didn't think of that one."

Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 7

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You're a beautiful, sweet girl. F*ck this guy!

Nicky Nichols in Orange Is the New Black

What do I think love is? It's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight, but floaty at the same time, you know? And your cheeks hurt from smiling. And you smile so much, that people think something's wrong with you.
...And also f*cking. Twenty-four seven, deep-dick, can't-walk-right f*cking.

Aleida Diaz in Orange Is the New Black

"What's love to you?"
Flaca: "It's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.' There's mood lighting all over, and there's like five dudes massaging you."
Maritza: "And you have a pizza!"
Flaca: "She's right. You also have a pizza."

Marisol 'Flaca' Gonzales & Maritza Ramos in Orange Is the New Black

Pizza

All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb it's power.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov in Orange Is the New Black

You gotta move...The f*ck...On!

Gloria Mendoza in Orange Is the New Black

I hate it when you talk sometimes. No... all the time.

Nicky Nichols in Orange Is the New Black

You need to figure out what the f*ck you want.

Nicky Nichols in Orange Is the New Black

Larry Bloom: "Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup."
Piper Chapman: "Well, you put your pee stick in my v*gina. And that's why we're in this situation."

Piper Chapman in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 8

Vaginas

Sam Healy: "It's popular fiction. It's like global warming or female ejac*lation."
Piper: "No! No. No, it's not. This is real."
Sam Healy: "How is it real? Wait, which?"
Piper: "The chicken. And the... the chicken."

Piper Chapman in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

Larry Bloom: "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?"
Piper Chapman: "You mean..."
Larry Bloom: "It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion."

Larry Bloom in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 8

Or I look single, 34 and single, which must mean there's something wrong with me. Like, you keep large reptiles in tanks, or I have a very special relationship with my mother.

Larry Bloom in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 7

I would very much like to return your witty banter, but I am too exhausted to be clever.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov in Orange Is the New Black

Red: "Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen."
Piper: "Why, because all black people love chicken?"
Red: "Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken."

Galina 'Red' Reznikov in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

Rule Number One: Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl.

Alex Vause in Orange Is the New Black

I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong.

Alex Vause in Orange Is the New Black

Pain is always there cause life is freaking painful, okay?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett in Orange Is the New Black

Pennsatucky: "It weren't my fault. I was just doing as the Spirit commanded."
Pussey: "F*ck are you? Joan of Arc?"
Pennsatucky: "No, I'm from Waynesboro, my name is Tiffany..."

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

What the hell is the matter with you? You tryin' out for the retard Olympics?

George 'Pornstache' Mendez in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

P*rnstache: "You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right?"
Pennsatucky: "Know what?"
P*rnstache: "Jesus Christ, how the f*ck did you survive infancy?"
Pennsatucky: "My auntie helped my momma..."
P*rnstache: "That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a f*cking rhetorical question is?"

George 'Pornstache' Mendez in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

I am not crazy. I am unique.

Suzanne Warren in Orange Is the New Black

Stop crying. Remember? Crying makes you ugly and weak.

Dayanara Diaz in Orange Is the New Black

It's like...It's like I'm a f*cked-up-shit magnet.

Maria Ruiz in Orange Is the New Black

I'm not surviving, I'm just existing.

Brook Soso in Orange Is the New Black - Season 3

Larry: "She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig roasting box."
Pete: "At least you get something. I'm not getting laid for a year too. But what do I get?"
Larry: "A baby?"
Pete: "You can't eat it."

Pete Harper in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 1

(Love is) pain, horrible pain, that you want again and again.

Sophia Burset in Orange Is the New Black

If I hadn't buried my feelings so deep I would totally be tearing up right now.

Maritza Ramos in Orange Is the New Black

Lorna Morello: "I need to start tightening up. You're making me feel like a cave."
Nicky Nichols: "Baby, it's a c*nt, it stretches!"
Lorna Morello: "Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb."

Lorna Morello in Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Episode 5

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

The best Quotes by Joe Caputo

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