The best Quotes by Jimmy Kimmel

Our secretary of health and human sacrifice, RFK Jr.

(Jimmy Kimmel Live!) - May 2025

The circus came back to town in Washington for the second impeachment trial of Donald OJ. Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - February 2021

Trump's leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet. It's down to 29%. Which, for someone who recently incited a insurrection to overthrow the government isn't bad. Honestly, what would he have to do to get below 20%, Eat the constitution? Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any president in the modern era. The only one to leave office with a lower rating than that was Kevin Spacey.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - January 2021

Donald Trump

If Martin Luther King were alive today, he would probably watch the news and go, "let me be more specific about this dream I had."

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - January 2021

Martin Luther King

When someone with a beard attacks us, we tap phones, we invoke travel-bans, we build walls we take care of every possible precaution to make sure it doesn't happen again. But when an American buys a gun and kills other Americans, then there's nothing we can do about that? Second ammendment, I guess. Our forfathers wanted us to have AK-47s is the argument, I assume.

Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Sendung vom 03.10.2017

NRA

Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express on a new mobile payment system, that would replace carrying credit cards around. That way, you can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Apple

They have a new high-end iPhone called the iPhone 5S. The 'S' stands for 'shut up and give us your money'.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

iPhones

This is about as close as America gets to having a royal baby; Apple unveiling a new iPhone.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Apple iPhones

I feel like at this point, Apple's releasing products, just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Apple

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For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

Mark Rober in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - November 2021

I'm having a really good time. The costume's probably slightly different than you might expect. But to go back into the role [of Obi-Wan] is great.

Ewan McGregor in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - May 2021, about shooting the Obi-Wan series

Obi-Wan Kenobi

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

John Oliver in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - January 2021, about the Inauguration of Joe Biden

I wish we had somebody in a leadership position in the White House who would bring people together.

Shaquille O'Neal in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - June 2020

Donald Trump Death of George Floyd

What ever I would do, I would be the one I am today. I chose football and I'm sorry for the other fans that are cheering for other sports, because it would be the same thing.

Zlatan Ibrahimović in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

Quotes about Football/Soccer

People told me, "When you come to Los Angeles, don't worry, you can walk on the streets" But since day one, it's busy everywhere. But it's my own fault. 'Cause when you play the way I do, I mean.

Zlatan Ibrahimović in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

I wanted to give Los Angeles a gift. I was thinking a long time. And then one day it came like: I should give myself.

Zlatan Ibrahimović in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

"Is Kumail Nanjiani's d*ck multiple colors?"
"Yes. Every shade of your mom's lipstick. And her b*tthole."

Kumail Nanjiani in Jimmy Kimmel Live! - Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #11

I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. This is like when I lost my virginity, except this is gonna last way longer than one second.

Matt Damon - Jimmy Kimmel Live!

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!

Donald Trump - Juni 2025

Elon Musk

If you're not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for? If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Donald Trump - September 2016

The Epstein Files

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Tim Walz

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

Donald Trump - August 2024

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 11

Sex New York City

There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders.

Grüner Kobold in Spider-Man

Fame New York City

If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you
New York, New York

Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

New York City

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Stan Marsh in South Park - Season 15 Episode 1

Apple

Jacob: "Are you Steve Jobs?"
Cal: "What?"
Jacob: "Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?"
Cal: "No."
Jacob: "Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever."

Jacob Palmer in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Steve Jobs Apple

I'm here to declare myself an independent candidate for President of the United States.

RFK Jr. - Oktober 2023

There is an argument that COVID-19 is ethnically targeted. COVID-19 attacks certain races disproportionately.

RFK Jr. - Juli 2023

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King

Faith

It's better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

Martin Luther King

Character Honesty

You're like the iPhone 5 of German TV hosts. Thin, light and unnecessarily tall.

Klaas Heufer-Umlauf in Joko & Klaas - neoParadise vom 13.09.2012

iPhones

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

Society Smartphones iPhones

I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.

Tim Walz

NRA

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

The best Quotes by Jimmy Kimmel

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