The best Quotes from Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Our secretary of health and human sacrifice, RFK Jr.

Jimmy Kimmel - May 2025

For every $1 we could raise, they'll remove one pound of plastic from the ocean. We're trying to raise $30 million by the end of the year.

Mark Rober - November 2021

I'm having a really good time. The costume's probably slightly different than you might expect. But to go back into the role [of Obi-Wan] is great.

Ewan McGregor - May 2021, about shooting the Obi-Wan series

Obi-Wan Kenobi

The circus came back to town in Washington for the second impeachment trial of Donald OJ. Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel - February 2021

Donald Trump

It was nice to get to enjoy an inauguration without a pit of dread in your stomach.

John Oliver - January 2021, about the Inauguration of Joe Biden

Trump's leaving office with his lowest approval rating yet. It's down to 29%. Which, for someone who recently incited a insurrection to overthrow the government isn't bad. Honestly, what would he have to do to get below 20%, Eat the constitution? Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any president in the modern era. The only one to leave office with a lower rating than that was Kevin Spacey.

Jimmy Kimmel - January 2021

Donald Trump

If Martin Luther King were alive today, he would probably watch the news and go, "let me be more specific about this dream I had."

Jimmy Kimmel - January 2021

Martin Luther King

I wish we had somebody in a leadership position in the White House who would bring people together.

Shaquille O'Neal - June 2020

Donald Trump Death of George Floyd

What ever I would do, I would be the one I am today. I chose football and I'm sorry for the other fans that are cheering for other sports, because it would be the same thing.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

Quotes about Football/Soccer

People told me, "When you come to Los Angeles, don't worry, you can walk on the streets" But since day one, it's busy everywhere. But it's my own fault. 'Cause when you play the way I do, I mean.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

I wanted to give Los Angeles a gift. I was thinking a long time. And then one day it came like: I should give myself.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - Sendung vom 17.04.2018

When someone with a beard attacks us, we tap phones, we invoke travel-bans, we build walls we take care of every possible precaution to make sure it doesn't happen again. But when an American buys a gun and kills other Americans, then there's nothing we can do about that? Second ammendment, I guess. Our forfathers wanted us to have AK-47s is the argument, I assume.

Jimmy Kimmel - Sendung vom 03.10.2017

NRA

"Is Kumail Nanjiani's d*ck multiple colors?"
"Yes. Every shade of your mom's lipstick. And her b*tthole."

Kumail Nanjiani - Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #11

I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. This is like when I lost my virginity, except this is gonna last way longer than one second.

Matt Damon

Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express on a new mobile payment system, that would replace carrying credit cards around. That way, you can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.

Jimmy Kimmel

Apple

They have a new high-end iPhone called the iPhone 5S. The 'S' stands for 'shut up and give us your money'.

Jimmy Kimmel

iPhones

This is about as close as America gets to having a royal baby; Apple unveiling a new iPhone.

Jimmy Kimmel

Apple iPhones

I feel like at this point, Apple's releasing products, just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

Jimmy Kimmel

Apple

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But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!

Donald Trump - Juni 2025

Elon Musk

If you're not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for? If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Donald Trump - September 2016

The Epstein Files

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Tim Walz

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Since I left France, everything has gone downhill. France needs me, I don't need France. Even if you have Mbappé, Neymar and Messi, it doesn't help you because you don't have God.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - October 2022

Neymar Paris Saint-Germain

This is for Mino Raiola. It's the first title I have won without Mino by my side. I was close to signing for Napoli, then he told me that I was the only one who could save Milan. So I dedicate it to him.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - May 2022

Mino Raiola A.C. Milan

Broker: "I found a nice house, but has no furnitures."
Zlatan: "Then you go to IKEA and you get the furnitures."
Broker: "Rich people don't buy furnitures in IKEA."
Zlatan: "No, but intelligent people do."

Zlatan Ibrahimović

IKEA

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Stan Marsh in South Park - Season 15 Episode 1

Apple

Jacob: "Are you Steve Jobs?"
Cal: "What?"
Jacob: "Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?"
Cal: "No."
Jacob: "Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever."

Jacob Palmer in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Steve Jobs Apple

I'm here to declare myself an independent candidate for President of the United States.

RFK Jr. - Oktober 2023

There is an argument that COVID-19 is ethnically targeted. COVID-19 attacks certain races disproportionately.

RFK Jr. - Juli 2023

You will find that many of the truths we cling to, depend greatly on our own point of view.

Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi

Truth

Who's the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?

Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Foolishness

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King

Faith

It's better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you're not.

Martin Luther King

Character Honesty

You're like the iPhone 5 of German TV hosts. Thin, light and unnecessarily tall.

Klaas Heufer-Umlauf in Joko & Klaas - neoParadise vom 13.09.2012

iPhones

Yeah, so I have, like, a YouTube channel where I kind of use my engineering background to make sort of ridiculous things.

Mark Rober

I was so happy to do it again, and so happy to work with Hayden again, and I hope we get the chance to do it again.

Ewan McGregor - January 2023, on Season 1 of Kenobi

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Germany Fairytales

My kids are older now. They're kinda upset with me. They're not really upset, but they don't understand. I tell them all the time: "We" ain't rich. "I'm" rich.

Shaquille O'Neal - October 2021

Now I feel I have an unspoken deal with the paparazzi: "I won't do anything publicly interesting if you agree not to follow me."

Matt Damon

The best Quotes from Jimmy Kimmel Live!

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