Quotes by Jimmy Carr

If you're a homeless, alcoholic Scott and you had tourettes... how would they ever know?

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year, we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"

A travel writer's made a world map showing where women are easiest to sleep with. That's awful. Although, good news for Blackpool's tourism.

The new Thor movie is out today. I haven't been looking forward to Hammertime this much since 1989.

I enjoyed Halloween this year. I stuck two pumpkins down the back of my trousers and went as Kim Kardashian's arse.

Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion.