The best Quotes by Jimmy Carr

The best Quotes by Jimmy Carr

James Anthony Patrick Carr (born 15 September 1972) is a British-Irish comedian, presenter, writer, and actor. He is known for his deadpan delivery of controversial one-liners, for which he has been both praised and criticised, and his distinctive laugh.

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!
Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!
What is suicide? It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's so sad.
Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.
Mainsplaining, it's when a man tries to explain what you already know in a patronizing manner. It's when a man - that's me - tries to put clever thoughts in your pretty little brain. You understand that? That's a meta joke.
If you're a homeless, alcoholic Scott and you had tourettes... how would they ever know?
I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year, we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids.
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"
A travel writer's made a world map showing where women are easiest to sleep with. That's awful. Although, good news for Blackpool's tourism.
via Twitter
The new Thor movie is out today. I haven't been looking forward to Hammertime this much since 1989.
October 2013
I enjoyed Halloween this year. I stuck two pumpkins down the back of my trousers and went as Kim Kardashian's arse.
via Twitter
Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion.

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It is strange with how little notice, good, bad, or indifferent, a man may live and die in London.
If you're curious, London's an amazing place.
I've often thought a blind man could find his way through London simply by gauging the changes in innuendo: mild through Trafalgar Square, less veiled towards the river.
Louis Bayard - Mr. Timothy
I have nothing against Orlando, though you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than in London.
I don't miss London much. I find it crowded, vast and difficult to get around. Cabs are incredibly expensive.
The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today. That's whose here - it's all of us that went, "okay, I'll keep doing it."
The only ones who gods care about is themselves.
Gorr in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder
These hands were once used for battle. Now they're but humble tools for peace. I need to figure out exactly who I am. I want to choose my own path. Live in the moment. My Super Hero-ing days are over.
Thor Odinson in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder
You ever feel lost? Just look into the eyes of the people that you love.
Peter Quill in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder
I don't know anything about norse gods, but I do know how to bring the thunder.
Thor in What If…? - Season 1 Episode 7
I'll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh makeup.
I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and don't make them over and over again, you're on the right path.
I'm kind of shocked I'm getting a fashion award when I'm naked most of the time.
I love when people underestimate me and then become pleasantly surprised.
It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.
Ray Embrey in Hancock
How can you speak six languages and sound like a dick in every one of them?
Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.
Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"
Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC
Death is Peaceful, Life is Harder.
Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"
Max Black in 2 Broke Girls - Season 1 Episode 11
Frank: "Why you gotta be such an asshole?"
Lip: "Apple fell where you dropped it."
Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4
I'm fiercely proud to be Scottish.
Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.
I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.
Women have to be able to remain silent. A woman without silence is like a car without breaks.
Berlin will live and the Wall will fall!
Willy Brandt - 10. November 1989
Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.
Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.
Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.
Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017
One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.
Joe Biden - März 2024

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