The best Quotes by Jimmy Carr

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!

Corona-Jokes Vaccines

What is suicide? It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's so sad.

Suicide

Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.

Hipster Vaginas

Mainsplaining, it's when a man tries to explain what you already know in a patronizing manner. It's when a man - that's me - tries to put clever thoughts in your pretty little brain. You understand that? That's a meta joke.

If you're a homeless, alcoholic Scott and you had tourettes... how would they ever know?

Scotland

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

Dark Humor

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year, we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids.

Dark Humor

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Comedians

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

Falling in love

If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"

Macho-Jokes Ass Dark Humor

A travel writer's made a world map showing where women are easiest to sleep with. That's awful. Although, good news for Blackpool's tourism.

via Twitter

The new Thor movie is out today. I haven't been looking forward to Hammertime this much since 1989.

October 2013

Thor 1989

I enjoyed Halloween this year. I stuck two pumpkins down the back of my trousers and went as Kim Kardashian's arse.

via Twitter

Kim Kardashian Halloween Ass

Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion.

Religion

Quotes about Jimmy Carr

Your laugh is the reason your parents never tickled you growing up.

Katherine Ryan - The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2024

Jimmy has the work ethic of an immigrant and the personal wealth of the country that immigrant had to flee.

Katherine Ryan - The Big Fat Quiz Of The Year 2024

You might like these Quotes aswell

It is strange with how little notice, good, bad, or indifferent, a man may live and die in London.

Charles Dickens

London

If you're curious, London's an amazing place.

David Bailey

London

I've often thought a blind man could find his way through London simply by gauging the changes in innuendo: mild through Trafalgar Square, less veiled towards the river.

Louis Bayard - Mr. Timothy

London

I have nothing against Orlando, though you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than in London.

Boris Johnson

London Orlando

The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today. That's whose here - it's all of us that went, "okay, I'll keep doing it."

Louis C. K. - 2017

Dark Humor

The only ones who gods care about is themselves.

Gorr in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder

These hands were once used for battle. Now they're but humble tools for peace. I need to figure out exactly who I am. I want to choose my own path. Live in the moment. My Super Hero-ing days are over.

Thor Odinson in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder

You ever feel lost? Just look into the eyes of the people that you love.

Peter Quill in Thor - 4: Love and Thunder

I'll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh makeup.

Kim Kardashian in The Kardashians

Makeup

I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and don't make them over and over again, you're on the right path.

Kim Kardashian in The Kardashians

I'm kind of shocked I'm getting a fashion award when I'm naked most of the time.

Kim Kardashian in The Kardashians

Being naked

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

Ray Embrey in Hancock

Ass

How can you speak six languages and sound like a dick in every one of them?

Cisco Ramon in The Flash

Ass

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

Corona-Jokes

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

Death is Peaceful, Life is Harder.

Stephenie Meyer in Twilight

Life Death Suicide

Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"

Max Black in 2 Broke Girls - Season 1 Episode 11

Instagram Hipster

Frank: "Why you gotta be such an asshole?"
Lip: "Apple fell where you dropped it."

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Vaginas

I'm fiercely proud to be Scottish.

Ewan McGregor

Scotland

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

Carl Reiner

Comedians

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

John Green in The Fault in Our Stars

Falling in love

Women have to be able to remain silent. A woman without silence is like a car without breaks.

Charles Aznavour

Being Silent Cars Macho-Jokes

Berlin will live and the Wall will fall!

Willy Brandt - 10. November 1989

German Unity Berlin 1989

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

Halloween

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Bill Maher

Religion

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

The best Quotes by Jimmy Carr

Quotes about Jimmy Carr

You might like these Quotes aswell

Related pages to Jimmy Carr