The best Quotes by Jim Jefferies

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

If you hate gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what makes them crazy.

You're never going to be truly successful if everyone likes you.

One of the flaws in the American dream is that there isn't as much of a safety net as you may get in other countries.

Comedy comes out of everyone's worst day. No one writes a sitcom episode about everyone having a good day. It's always about someone being locked out of their house or someone being dumped or whatever.

For me, Mr. T and Donald Trump are the same sort of phenomenon - they're guys with catchphrases and wacky hair.

I believe in the Golden Rule - The Man with the Gold... rules.

To have a comeback, you have to have a setback.

It takes a smart man to play dumb.

Next to God, there is no greater protector than I.

I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

I'm not going to say it right now. So, everybody, I promise you, in the very next - very, very, very short period of time, you're going to be so happy.

If you want to stop the destruction of our country and save the American dream, then this Tuesday you must vote Republican in a giant way.

You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

I recommend taking the vaccines. I happen to take the vaccine - if it doesn't work you'll be the first to know.

The world respects us again.

These are the things and events that happen when a sacred landslide election victory is so unceremoniously & viciously stripped away from great patriots who have been badly & unfairly treated for so long.

Normally developing a vaccine takes up to 10 years. We developed a vaccine in just nine months. We've already begun a nationwide vaccination program, and we’re sending the vaccine all over the world. The world will benefit will benefit, and everybody’s calling to thank me.

Christians who pray are like pillars that carry the world.

You don't need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn't make you a taco.

It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and true love. Don't even try to tell me different.

I am not gay. Although I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes.

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

Gay-marriage - great. I approve that, no problem. But you have to be gay for that!

I think Pandas are my spirit animal. Lazy, dark circles around their eyes, and always hungry.

Pandas, proof that you can eat just bamboo and still be fat.

I don't get why people focus so much on pandas when it comes to endangered species. They eat bamboo! It has no nutrients! They brought this upon themselves.

There are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

I'm not crazy - my reality is just different from yours.

There is a place like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger. Some say to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter.

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

How others see you is not important. How you see yourself is everything.

Become unpopular first, or people want perceive you seriously.

There are 320 million American dreams. Go get yours!

The American Dream is an impossible affirmation of possibility. And maybe native-born Americans don't have it anymore. Maybe it has run through their fingers.

The American dream was more like a nightmare.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.