The best Quotes by Jim Jefferies

Comedy comes out of everyone's worst day. No one writes a sitcom episode about everyone having a good day. It's always about someone being locked out of their house or someone being dumped or whatever.

For me, Mr. T and Donald Trump are the same sort of phenomenon - they're guys with catchphrases and wacky hair.

Mr. T Donald Trump

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I believe in the Golden Rule - The Man with the Gold... rules.

Mr. T

To have a comeback, you have to have a setback.

Mr. T

It takes a smart man to play dumb.

Mr. T

Next to God, there is no greater protector than I.

Mr. T (American Actor)

Protection

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!

Donald Trump - Juni 2025

Elon Musk

If you're not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for? If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Donald Trump - September 2016

The Epstein Files

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Tim Walz

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

Donald Trump - August 2024

I have decided that the person best suited to assume the position of Vice President of the United States is Senator J.D. Vance of the Great State of Ohio

Donald Trump - July 2024

J. D. Vance

I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

Donald Trump

Jeffrey Epstein The Epstein Files

In order to make America great and glorious again, I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

Donald Trump - November 2022

US Elections

I'm not going to say it right now. So, everybody, I promise you, in the very next - very, very, very short period of time, you're going to be so happy.

Donald Trump - November 2022, implies he's rerunning for President in 2024 elections

Christians who pray are like pillars that carry the world.

Martin Luther

Christianity Praying Day of Repentance and Prayer

You don't need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn't make you a taco.

Justin Bieber

Christianity Church

It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.

John Lennon

Music Christianity

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 11 Episode 12

Luke Skywalker Superman Bugs Bunny Imagination Santa Claus

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Funny Quotes Santa Claus Bad Girls

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

I am not gay. Although I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes.

Kurt Cobain

Homosexuality & LGBTQ+Homophobia

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

Ellen DeGeneres

Tolerance Homosexuality & LGBTQ+Cars

Gay-marriage - great. I approve that, no problem. But you have to be gay for that!

Joko Winterscheidt in Joko & Klaas - Duell um die Welt, 30. November 2013

Homosexuality & LGBTQ+

I think Pandas are my spirit animal. Lazy, dark circles around their eyes, and always hungry.

Pandas

Pandas, proof that you can eat just bamboo and still be fat.

Pandas

I don't get why people focus so much on pandas when it comes to endangered species. They eat bamboo! It has no nutrients! They brought this upon themselves.

Pandas

There are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

Graham Chapman

Reason & Sanity Craziness & Weirdness

I'm not crazy - my reality is just different from yours.

Lewis Carroll in Alice In Wonderland

Craziness & Weirdness

There is a place like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger. Some say to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter.

Alice In Wonderland

Craziness & Weirdness

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

Adolf Hitler Jesus Popularity Social Media

How others see you is not important. How you see yourself is everything.

Harvey Specter in Suits

Self-Confidence Popularity Motivation

Become unpopular first, or people want perceive you seriously.

Konrad Adenauer

Popularity

There are 320 million American dreams. Go get yours!

Shahid Khan

American Dream

The American Dream is an impossible affirmation of possibility. And maybe native-born Americans don't have it anymore. Maybe it has run through their fingers.

Richard Rodriguez

American Dream

The American dream was more like a nightmare.

Vito Scaletta in Mafia - II

American Dream

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

There are two kinds of big companies in the United States. There are those who've been hacked by the Chinese, and those who don't know they've been hacked by the Chinese.

James Comey

China Hackers

The best Quotes by Jim Jefferies

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