The best Quotes by Jim Halpert

I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called "let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests". And they're both winning.

Dwight: "Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners of losers."
Jim: "Oh, it has losers."

I've got three cases of imported beer. Karaoke Maschine. And I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party.

Dwight: "Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts."
Jim: "Done."

It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

Dwight: "Where is my desk? This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Okay. Well, you're the one who lost the desk."

This is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

Everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested.

Jim: "Last night on 'Trading Spouses', there's...- have you seen it?"
Pam: "No, I have a life."
Jim: "Interesting. What's that like?"

If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders?

Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.

Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Florida is America's bas*ment: it's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators.

What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they wanna do.

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

The way this place used to work was, make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a... carpenter that... makes stairs.

Gabrilla Montez: "Well, you sound like you've done a lot of singing, too."
Troy Bolton: "Yeah, my showerhead is very impressed with me."

I hate it when I loudly sing along to a song and the interpreter doesn't get the lyrics right.

I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."

Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"

Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah. I call them heaven.