The best Quotes by Jim Halpert

I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

The Office - Season 8 Episode 7

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Shower

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

The Office - Season 7 Episode 9

Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called "let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests". And they're both winning.

The Office - Season 4 Episode 9

Dwight: "Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners of losers."
Jim: "Oh, it has losers."

The Office - Season 4 Episode 5

I've got three cases of imported beer. Karaoke Maschine. And I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party.

The Office - Season 2 Episode 9

Michael Scott Karaoke

Dwight: "Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts."
Jim: "Done."

The Office - Season 2 Episode 8

It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

The Office - Season 2 Episode 7

Dwight: "Where is my desk? This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Okay. Well, you're the one who lost the desk."

The Office - Season 2 Episode 6

This is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

The Office - Season 1 Episode 5

Everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested.

The Office - Season 1 Episode 4

Jim: "Last night on 'Trading Spouses', there's...- have you seen it?"
Pam: "No, I have a life."
Jim: "Interesting. What's that like?"

The Office - Season 1 Episode 3

If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders?

The Office - Season 1 Episode 1

Quotes about Jim Halpert

Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

Andy Bernard in The Office - Season 4 Episode 2

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25

Toby Flenderson

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 9

I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 5 Episode 22

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 17

Birthday

It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.

Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 4 Episode 12

Apologize

Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 3 Episode 11

Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."

Creed Bratton in The Office - Season 3 Episode 9

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Ryan Howard in The Office

Kelly Kapoor

Florida is America's bas*ment: it's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators.

Robert California in The Office - Season 8 Episode 11

Florida

What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 8 Episode 3

There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they wanna do.

Gabe Lewis in The Office - Season 7 Episode 26

Hugs

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Andy Bernard in The Office

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 22

What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 23

Women's Sports

My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Valentine's Day Restaurants

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Romeo and Juliet

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

Ryan Howard in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."

Kevin Malone in The Office - Season 7 Episode 9

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 5

A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 5

Horses Bicycles

How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 5

Michael Phelps

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 21

The way this place used to work was, make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 20

I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a... carpenter that... makes stairs.

Andy Bernard in The Office - Season 3 Episode 8

Gabrilla Montez: "Well, you sound like you've done a lot of singing, too."
Troy Bolton: "Yeah, my showerhead is very impressed with me."

Troy Bolton in High School Musical

Singing Shower

I hate it when I loudly sing along to a song and the interpreter doesn't get the lyrics right.

Karaoke

I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 28

Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."

Pam Beesly in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25

Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 27

Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"

Kevin Malone in The Office - Season 7 Episode 4

Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."

Ryan Howard in The Office - Season 1 Episode 5

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

Toby Flenderson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 21

Airplanes

When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

Karen Filippelli in The Office - Season 3 Episode 18

When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

Oscar Martinez in The Office - Season 4 Episode 5

Advertising & Marketing

Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."

Jan Levinson in The Office - Season 4 Episode 9

The best Quotes by Jim Halpert

Quotes about Jim Halpert

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