The best Quotes by Jessica

If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none. The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

Time without purpose is a prison.

I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another's story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence.

If I wanted the government in my house, I'd buy Alexa.

Kid, I'm a writer that wrote something successful, so if you want me to give it up, you're gonna need a black belt or a big pair of t*ts.

Welcome to life. It's a big boat with a lot of holes, but we're all in it together.

Jerry: "I wanted to ask if it's okay with you if I make myself throw up the cookie."
Beth: "If it makes you feel better and you can do it quietly, yes, but don't hand that advice down to summer."

"Family time ist time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.

Jerry: "That was some fantastic chow mein. And before you say that sounded racist, you're gonna ask the waiter how they say it."
Beth: "It's Panda Express, Honey, the waiter's from Portland."

Life is a subscription and Thanksgiving is your family's yearly charge.

8 % of anything is expendable: 8 % of pizza is crust. 8 % of the Snyder Cut was Batman dreaming.

Oh my god, it's disgusting... actually, it tastes really good... oh my god, it's disgusting that it tastes good.

Rick: "Just do a 'Die Hard'!"
Summer: "What does that mean?"
Rick: "Sneak around! Use air vents! You've never seen 'Die Hard'?"
Summer: "I'm 17. No, I've never seen f*cking 'Die Hard'."
Rick: "Well, neither did the guy in 'Die Hard'. So, you're nailing it."

Rick: "Wait a minute! Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum-transport-solution?"
Morty: "I saw you were marking the level so I had to top it off."
Rick: "Top it off? Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? And you added it to my portal fluid?"

You don't get to tell anyone what's sad. You're like a one-man Mount Sadmore. So I guess like a Lincoln Sadmorial.

No voting, no debate. It's not a democracy - it's a Rickpublic!

Summer: "I think it's in our best interest to work as a team."
Morty: "Yeah, most people would call that 'family'."

Morty: "Mom, I have a friend coming over. Is that cool?"
Beth: "I told your sister no parties."
Morty: "It's one friend."
Beth: "That's a party to you."

Jerry: "Space sperm? Sperm from... space?"
Rick: "Very impressive verbal forensic work, Jerry."

I got some scotch. Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.

Vicky: "I want it to be the right time, the right place."
Jessica: "It's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex."

"Dude that chick's a MILF!"
"What to hell is that?"
"M-I-L-F: Mom I'd like to f*ck!"

My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you f*ckers learn anything in college?

It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen - I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of sh-! Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Rick: "If it's all the same, could we still get our stories straight? Because you're a terrible liar."
Jerry: "You called me a master convincer!"
Rick: "You believed me?"

A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2 and it breaks the front page of Reddit. But I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad.

Morty: "You were a teenager when dad got you pregnant!"
Beth: "I was 17. That's at least 26 in boy years."

Jerry: "I wish that shotgun was my p-nis."
Beth: "If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway."

Beth: "Do you want homeless people to have homes?"
Jerry: "Yes."
Beth: "Are you gonna build them?"
Jerry: "No."
Beth: "Then what good was the 'yes'?"

Morty: "Rick, when you say you made an exact replica of the house, did you mean, like, an exact replica?"
Rick: "I know about the Yosemite T-Shirt, Morty."
Morty: "Shit."
Rick: "You know you can use tissues, right?"
Morty: "I can't finish without it!"

If I'm always looking back, I'm never looking ahead. We are who we are because of consequences. You can't live without consequences.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We're all going to die. Come watch TV?

Jessica: "I miss you."
Morty: "You miss the old me. You miss someone that loved you so much, you never had to love him back."

Camping is just being homeless... without the change.

Summer: "It is a hot photo. I think grief flushes her cheeks. Dad, you hardly put any sirup on."
Beth: "Honey, stop raising your father's colesterol so you can take a hot funeral selfie."
Summer: "I never get to do anything."

Richard, you have desecrated the sacred treaty betwixt land and sea. Now face the wrath of your once and eternal foe - Mr. Nimbus!

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.