The best Quotes by Jessi Glaser

Those girls are gonna eat him alive, and then barf him out because they're bulimic.

I am not a kid, for your information. I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote. And I think this red bra scares both of us.

Andrew: "Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance."
Nick: "What? First of all, I think he's got that wrong. Either that or you have grossly misquoted him."

I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.

Jay: "How else are men supposed to get bj0bs?"
Maury: "You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, 'Dinner is served'."

I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.

If I was gonna f*ck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a goddamn gentleman!

"Sorry, bro, she wants a real man. Ninth grade, top of the food chain."
Nick: "Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain."
Andrew: "Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain."

Andrew: "When you do kiss a girl, to make it official..."
Nick: "...there's gotta be tongue!"
Andrew: "Major tongue."
Nick: "You want to flick your tongue around."
Andrew: "Ideally."
Nick: "And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers too."
Andrew: "Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve."
Nick: "Yeah. We know what we're talking about."
Andrew: "It's nice to talk like men."

You're gonna sit on his face and use that hair as a seat belt.

Puberty Fairy?! I'm the hormone monster. I'm no fairy. I mean sure I like to f*ck around with dudes, but I'm no fairy.

Nick: "I mean until Trump got elected, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, what happened with that?"
Nick: "I think it's gonna be Papa John now."

Gay Town sounds fun, but I've thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.

I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.

You somehow made farting even cooler!

What is the point of research papers? Every thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.

Kids just don't nut like they used to.

I'm like Young Sheldon... if he fed.

Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!

Wrong? We're in Florida. The state bird is a chicken finger.

Smile, but with your p3nis.

If you lose money you lose much,
If you lose friends you lose more,
If you lose faith you lose all.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The future belongs to those, who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I just wish you could see your d1ck the way I do.

I mean, maybe if it's animated we can get away with it.

We hate camp. It stinks like trees. And the boy only likes to poop at home.

My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.