Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.