The best Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

The best Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Jerome Allen Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He is best known for having played a semi-fictionalized version of himself in the sitcom Seinfeld (1989–1998), which he created and wrote with Larry David.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
1
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
2
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
1
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
1
Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
2
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.
3

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George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, 'We have to talk.'"
Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."
George: "That or 'Whose bra is this?'"
Jerry: "That's worse."
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.
Women don't respect salad eaters.
George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."
George: "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
Jerry: "You can't over-dry."
George: "Why not?"
Jerry: "Same reason you can't over-wet."
Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld - Season 1 Episode 1
George: "You've got to apologize."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "Because it's the mature and adult thing to do."
Jerry: "How does that affect me?"
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
We all know, of course, what to make of our newspapers. The deaf man writes down what the blind man has told him, the village idiot edits it, and their colleagues in the other press houses copy it.
4
I grew up in Florida, where if you weren't comfortable dancing, you weren't going to get any girls.
A child's voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who've forgotten how to listen.
39
A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water logged stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
14
Who takes a shit in the middle of a heist?
Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop - Season 1 Episode 1
You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
24
It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
38
Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.
24
I grew up on the street. No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.
J.D. in Scrubs - Season 8 Episode 5
13
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
8
It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.
1
All grown-ups were once children... but only few of them remember it.
16
All of the world's darkness isn't enough to extinguish one candle's light.
Roman Herzog (as President of Germany) - Dezember 1998
A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.
Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones - Season 1 Episode 2
22
If you only ever read one book in your life I highly recommend... keeping your f*cking mouth shut.
Banksy in Cut It Out
1
Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.
Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017
I think a night like tonight shows a lot of young girls and young boys that if you can shoot you can shoot. It doesn't matter if you're a girl or a boy, I think it just matters the heart that you have and wanting to be the best that you can be.
Sabrina Ionescu - February 2024

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