The best Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Dogs Pooping

There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family.

Family

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Character Decisions Street

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Funny Quotes

Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Marriage

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Birthday Candles

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Books Reading

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George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, 'We have to talk.'"
Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."
George: "That or 'Whose bra is this?'"
Jerry: "That's worse."

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

Women don't respect salad eaters.

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

Salad

George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

George: "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
Jerry: "You can't over-dry."
George: "Why not?"
Jerry: "Same reason you can't over-wet."

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld - Season 1 Episode 1

George: "You've got to apologize."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "Because it's the mature and adult thing to do."
Jerry: "How does that affect me?"

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Jerome Seinfeld in Seinfeld

Christmas

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

Larry David

Salad

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Larry David

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Larry David

Seduction Men & Women

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

Larry David

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Larry David

Hair

We all know, of course, what to make of our newspapers. The deaf man writes down what the blind man has told him, the village idiot edits it, and their colleagues in the other press houses copy it.

Timur Vermes in Look Who's Back

Newspapers Fake News

All I'm going to say is I put my hand on a Bible, and I raised my right hand and swore to uphold the Constitution of the state of Florida.

Pam Bondi

Florida

A child's voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who've forgotten how to listen.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Children & Childhood Hearing & Listening

A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water logged stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?

Marley & Me

Animals Dogs

Who takes a shit in the middle of a heist?

Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop - Season 1 Episode 1

Pooping

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

William Paul Young in The Shack

Friendship Family

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Character Decisions

Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Decisions Morality

I grew up on the street. No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.

J.D. in Scrubs - Season 8 Episode 5

Sesame Street Street

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

Alcohol Funny Quotes

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Louis C. K. - 2017

Relationships Marriage

All grown-ups were once children... but only few of them remember it.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry in The Little Prince

Children & Childhood Birthday Age

All of the world's darkness isn't enough to extinguish one candle's light.

Roman Herzog (as President of Germany) - Dezember 1998

Light Candles

A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.

Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones - Season 1 Episode 2

Books Mind & Apprehension Intelligence

If you only ever read one book in your life I highly recommend... keeping your f*cking mouth shut.

Banksy in Cut It Out

Reading

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

The best Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

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